


Draw my own constellations

by theomaives



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Bisexual Sirius Black, Depression, F/M, Gay Remus Lupin, LGBTQ Themes, M/M, Multi, Self-Harm, Sexual Abuse, Trans Character, Trans Female Character, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-21
Updated: 2019-05-02
Packaged: 2019-08-27 06:05:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 27,287
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16696879
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theomaives/pseuds/theomaives
Summary: “You do not need to put everything you do online” said Lily a little bit annoyed. One could not keep Lily Evans hungry if they wanted to live.“Oh, but I do” replied Sirius, his mouth half filled with biryani. “How else am I supposed to keep an captive audience?”James laughed “This YouTuber thing has definitely messed with your head”“That's where you are wrong, James dear. My head have been messed with long before YouTube even existed” Sirius stated “But now I am even more obligated to post about my life online, as our dear Remus have made me extra famous?”





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger Warnings: Self harm ideation

Sirius sat at the small bathroom stall trying not to freak out and knowing that trying was useless. Would anxiety even be a problem if he had any control over it? He inhaled, filling his nose with the awful smell and held his breath. Four, three, two, one. He let out the air through his mouth, counting again. Three, two, one. Inhale again. It was not helping and he could feel his heart beating way to fast. 

“For fuck’s sake, Black, you can do it.” He muttered under his breath “It is not that hard.”

But it was. It so much was. His left hand went through his hair as the right reached for his back pocket, the small swiss army knife feeling excedenly hot in his fingers. He open his zipper and let down his pants only enough to expose the pale skin of his upper thigh. With the tips of his fingers, he traced the darker skin of the multiple scars, flinching when touching the most recent one, not yet healed. 

“Sirius?” Called a voice just outside the stall “Are you there?”

Fuck. “Yeah, Prongs. I’ll be out in a minute”. He wished his voice wouldn’t betray him sounding so trembling. 

“Are you ok, mate? You know you don’t have to it, right? We can just walk out and try another time.” The voice paused for a while as its owner took another step closer “Or never, if you don’t feel up to it”.

Sirius took a deep breath before being able to answer. “No. I’m fine. I’ll be out in a sec.”

He shoved the knife deep inside his pocket again and stood up, pressing the flush before going out not to raise any suspicious. 

“You don’t look to well.” Said the other man as he stepped out.

Siriu really loved James Potter, but he hated how the other man needed only to look at him to understand what he was going through. Over 10 years of being best friends did that to them. 

“I’m fine, James, I swear. It’s just… It’s a lot, you know? It helps to talk about it, but it still is hard.”

“You are really brave. You know that, right?” He smiled and took a step closer to the bathroom door. “Should we go, them? That Remus guy was kind of freaking out you’d bail and leave him without the star of the show.”

Sirius looked up a little scared. Remus Lupin. The NGO managers and the brilliant mind behind all of its cultural agenda. He was the one that convinced Sirius he could go up on a stage and actually perform his poems, not only talk about them in front of a camera. And Sirius kind of had a thing for him. Kind of.

“I guess we should be going, then.” He finally managed to say.

“After you,” James made a little bow as he opened the door. 

\--

“Do you think he gave up?”

It was the third time Remus was asking that and Lily was feeling more than a little annoyed by now. 

“I know as much as you do right now, Rem.” She said, trying to sound calm. “James went after him and he will probably be here in a minute. And if he doesnt, we still have a lot of people to perform and make this night a blast.”

Remus sighted. She was right. Lily was always right. 

“It’s just… The kind of thing he does, the thing he says. They are quite powerful, you know? Most people can’t master the courage to say them. And we need to hear that. All of us here, we need to see that other people feel like we do.” 

“Like  _ we _ do” interrupted her “or like  _ you _ do?”

Remus rolled his eyes. It was not the first time Lily tried to imply some deep connection between Remus and Sirius. Yes, he thought the other man was amazing with his words and knew how to talk about some really pressing issues. And yes, Remus admired him and felt like he was capable of saying thing that him himself had never got the nerve to. But it was about something bigger than himself. Wasn’t it?

“Sorry, I’m late”.

Remus was pulled out of his thought by the soft voice of Sirius Black. It was the first time they actually met and Sirius was way more than one could guess from his YouTube videos. He was as stravagant, of course, but he looked a lot more… Real? He looked tired and pale and was definitely showing a lot more skin than usual. Not that Remus had already seen all of his photos 3 or 4 times, nothing like that. He was just, impressed. Sirius was wearing a see through tank top and skinny jeans, ripped all over. His right arm was covered in an intricate net of tattoos that looked like constellations, starting from something in his wrist that looked like an explosion and going almost until his neck. His left arms had many colored bracelets, in rainbow colours. His hair was pulled back in a loose ponytail and he had some black eyeliner on. 

“So… Everything ok?” said James after a while.

Lily had to nudge Remus so he would wake up from his trance and actually say something.

“Oh, no need to be sorry!” he quickly replied “We are just finishing up the stage, actually, and everything will be ready in a couple of minutes.” He them realized he hasn't introduced himself. “I’m Remus, by the way”. 

Sirius laughed a little and suddenly looked all bright, as if all the tiredness had suddenly left his body. “I know. You look exactly like your photo”.  _ And you look way better, _ Remus almost said.

“And everyone know you are you, Sirius.” Said Lily, putting an arm around his waist. “Not let’s go to the back stage to get you ready”. She looked to Remus and James. “I’ll take care of him and you two, you know, get to know each other and make sure everyone out there is well behaved.”

Remus looked at the other man, whom he had hardly noticed. James Potter, Lily’s rich boyfriend. Of course he heard about him a billion times and had met once or twice, but they had never exchanged more than a couple of words. He looked a little uncomfortable being left behind, though he was normally all funny jokes and niceness.

“You don’t have to wait back here with me, everything is already set. I’m just waiting for Alice to give me an all clear so I can start the show”. He wanted to make clear that James could leave whenever he wanted. He was Sirius’ best friend and Lily’s boyfriend, but was still and extremely straight cis guy. Being in the middle of an all queer crowd could be… off putting.

“No, I’m fine. Actually a little nervous about Sirius. He looks all brave and self confident but… All of this is quite hard for him. One thing is going online and talking to a camera. Other is going there, in front of real people.” Remus had to interrupt him, that was just too personal.

“I know he will be fine. We are all about making a safe space here and respecting boundaries.” He had said that same words so many times it was automatic. “Sirius is not the first person to perform here and won’t be the last. We are all here to feel connected. Maybe you wouldn’t understand that…”

“Wow, I get it. I’m not here to take up anyone’s space, you know?” James went all defensive. “I’m just here for Sirius. He is my best mate and he needs me.”

Remus sighted. “I know, right. I didn’t mean to offend you. It’s just... This is kind of a sacred place, you know? Most people out there have nowhere else to go where they can feel connected and safe. And it is my responsibility to make sure we stay this way. A couple of year ago we had a guy come in that…”

Before he managed to continue the story, a short girl with pink hair come bouncing from the stage area. 

“Rem, we are all set!” she said smiling from ear to ear. “Is everyone ready? That Sirius guy is the first one, right?”

“Yes, he is at the back with Lily. Will you go fetch him? I’ll go out there to introduce him” he said, actually relieved the conversation with James was over. “I’ll have to go out there. Would you go wait at the main area? Alice will make sure Lily joins you there later.” 

James looked more than happy to go, even though he still had some worry to carry. 

“Are you alright, Rem?” Alice asked once James left.

“I’m fine. Thanks for asking, Alice. I just need this night to go right” 

Alice came from behind and massaged the back of his neck with light fingers. “Everything will be great. It always is.”

“It isn’t way more than it is” he remembered the last show they put together with a shiver.  

“But now we have the great Sirius Black, don’t we? It will be great. You did everything right”

“Talking about Sirius… Go get him. We need to get this party started!” He smiled at her, feeling a little more courageous with her happy laughter in his ears. Finally, he walked to the stage.

\--

“And now, to get this amazing night started, put your hands together for Sirius Black!”

Sirius closed his eyes and the lights went down and Remus left the small stage. He took a deep breath as the music started playing and the crowd clapped and screamed. He was sure he could hear James screaming on the top of it. He counted the beats. It was his time and he could this. He could.

He stepped into the stage, a little smile in his lips, conscious of every bit of his body that was showing even with the little light. People screamed even more as he grabbed the mic. He let his hips swing a little with the rhythm until it was his cue. He new the text with like he knew every one of his insecurities. He felt full before the words started coming out of his mouths and it was almost as if he was out, watching from above as a different person - someone way more confident than he could ever feel - recited his words. His body would enact each verse, his mouth wouldn’t even tremble. He was all at it.

“My body is

a minefield of 

self hate

and I am scared

I’ll blow

with the smallest

touch.

 

You see, I seem

made of steel

strong and

cold and

never bend.

Unless when hot

and under pressure.

 

But I am

made of the things that

teddy bears are made of.

I am soft and

fluffy and

easily ripped

and torn.

 

The problem with

my bombs is

no one came in

under my skin

and ripped me off

and made me this

walking,

breathing,

living

time bomb.

 

But the bombs are there.

 

And when it’s late at night,

or early morning,

and the world is dark

and you’re not here,

they blow,

they bleed,

they rip me 

open

 

That’s why I flinch,

I shake,

I fly away.

I ask you to leave

while I hold you close.

Why I don’t give in

when you are made of steam.

 

Because 

my body is

a minefield and

I don’t wanna blow

you

but I also don’t

want you to

go away.”

He didn’t even realized he had closed his eyes until he opened it. The music came to it’s dramatic end at the same time he spoke the final words. The crowd went crazy. There were at least 200 people packed in the small saloon and he felt overwhelmed. James was right there in the front, hugging Lily tightly as they screamed his name. Peter was there as well, way less enthusiastic. He was doing it. Actually doing it, in front of all those people. Before the next best started, he looked at the man hiding behind the cortines at the corner of the stage. Remus was crying, but had a smile on his face as he applauded. “Go on, you are great” he mouthed. And he let himself continue.

\--

Remus didn't think someone could go change expression as fast as he's seen Sirius did. When his set finished, a couple of uplifting verses on finding love in unexpected places, with friends you would never see coming, he looked enlightened. He was smiling as he bowed and thanked the audience that was chanting his name. He left the stage, walking to Remus’ side, thanking the audience as any star would.

The second he knew no one would see him, he crumbled. Hugging his stomach, he started crying and Remus did not know what to do. Sirius was quick when he passed besides him, telling him to go to the fucking stage and that's what Remus did. There were another attraction that needed introduction and he was the only possible host. He praised Sirius and listened to the audience go wild. He was kind of a celebrity for this people. Next came a music act, an uplifting number.

With the audience still making a lot of noise, Remus went looking for Sirius. He was not by stage's side anymore, so he hurried for the bathroom, the nearest space he new someone could get any privacy. 

Once he opened the door, he heard the unpleasant sound of someone vomiting. He could only hope…

“Sirius…?”

When the sounds stopped, it was as if the time stopped. He had walked to the door of the only locked stall, where he could see the tips of Sirius’ boots.

“Sirius, do you need any help?”

The only reply he got was Sirius heavy breathing. Until James came rushing in, slamming the door open.

“Pads, you there? You ok?” He tried not to sound worried, but his voice trampled a little as he run until the stall and knocked, standing right beside Remus.

There was no answer for a while and the two man waiting outside looked at each other, both trying to make sense of the situation. Inside the stall, Sirius started vomiting again.

“Sirius, please, unlock this door.” James plead, knocking softly at the door.

“I am fine.” Came the voice from inside, but there was a while before the door was unlocked with a soft click.

Sirius came out looking as if he would be sick again at any second. Remus hushed in to help him, but James had his arm around his waist to help him stand up in less than a second.

“I said I'm fine, Potter.” Sirius said pulling him away and reading for the sink to wash his mouth. James knew better than to stop him.

“You were great out there.” Remus managed to say after a long silence while Sirius washed his mouth and his face repeatedly. James threw him a cautious look.

“Thank you.” Sirius replied in a quiet voice. He was looking at his face in the mirror, eyes red and eyeliner smudged around it. “I'm sorry I've worried you.” Remus didn’t know how to reply. “I’m really glad you got me this chance” Sirius continued “I’ve never expected that many people would come to see me doing this.”

“You are kind of a rock start, mate.” Said James. “Or an YouTube star.”

Sirius was busy washing his face over and over again, trying to not looking as he was crying anymore. 

“You are the one that needs to be thanked.” Remus finally managed to say. “This place is packed and we'll probably have enough funding to easily go through the next couple of months. It's been a rough year and people really need it.”  _ I really need it _ he thought of adding.

Sirius looked a little more composed now, dried and cleaned face. But he still looked sickly tired.

“I know. That's why I managed to do it, after all. People that come here… They have it a lot harder than I do.” James moved uncomfortably, but Sirius stopped him before he could interrupt. “I'm not saying I don't deal with a lot of shit, it's just. Most people here have nowhere else to go to feel safe.” He looked up to find Remus’ eyes. “What you do here is amazing. I'm really glad there are still people looking out for the ones like us.”

Remus felt his eyes getting watery. He knew the work he did at the center was important and it kept many people safe and cared. But listening to someone like Sirius saying it like that was in some way stronger.

“You all right, boys?” Lily's head picked through the door. “You need anything?”

“All is good, Lily flower.” Said Sirius, shaking his head and smiling. It was impressive how easily he would go from under the decks to casually light. “But I dare say all of this excitement made me ravenous. Should we go out for a bite?” He looked back to Remus “Would you like to come? My treat.” His smile widened a little and there was some quick in his sad eyes.

“There is a whole show to host still, unfortunately but I would…”

As if to make his point clear, Alice came rushing through the door, almost knocking Lily out of her feet.

“Sorry, Lils. Rem, we got kind of an emergency. The show is about to finish and the light is definitely not working.”

Remus sighted. Not everything could go right in a night.

“Be there in a sec, Ali” he said, trying not to sound too boomed. He wished he could go out with Sirius and make sure he was better. Be the man had his friends and he had his responsibilities. 

As the whole group left the small bathroom, Sirius waking right beside him, so close he could almost touch. He looked at Remus as if he was getting ready to say something, his big grey eyes sad and enthusiastic at the same time, but than decided better not to.

“Ok, so I'll take this street dog to get some food and you make sure those people out there have the best time and leave all their money to our good cause.” Lily told Remus while putting his arm around Sirius’ “Text me if you need anything around here, right, Remus?”

He just nodded his head and stood there while Lily, James and Sirius walked away, all standing close, as if to support each other. Remus just keep there, watching then go, until Alice's urgent voice rushed him back to reality.

“The show, Remus.”

Yeah, the show.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Ok, before we go in, we need some rules” Remus darted as they approached the nice building James, Sirius and their friend Peter lived in.
> 
> “What kind of rules?” Lily asked with curiosity.
> 
> “First, if I feel awkward, I get to leave and you need to cover for me.” He started “Two, you do not start telling 'funny stories’ from the beginning of our friendship. Three, you do not, by any circumstances, let Sirius know how many times I have watched his videos” he was counting on his fingers as he talked and looked extremely focused, as if no to forget anything.

“Do you intend to finish that before the next generation or what?”

Sirius looked up from the computer screen and spinned in his chair to face James, who was sitting at the old arm chair on the other side of the room, the one Sirius bought out of a wimp and was one of the trade marks in his videos. He was playing with the tripod, opening and closing its legs.

“You're gonna break that” Sirius said “and I need it for my serious work as well.”

“All of your work is Sirius work.” Said James with a fun smile. “Anyway, how long are you gonna take? I can go and fetch the food if you still need more time”.

“No, I'm done.” He spinned around again to press the “publish” button on his screen. “But now you'll need to be in me InstaStories saying the video is out.” A grim smile was on his face as he got up and fetched his phone over the table. Before James could even change positions in the comfortable chair, Sirius was sitting on his laps, camera ready.

“Oh, for fucks sake, Sirius. You know I hate this stuff. You are the star online and I am your down to earth - incredibly gorgeous - best friend that rather stay anonymous to your eager crowd.” He said, trying to get his best friend out of him.

Sirius pouted. “Oh, please, Jamie. I've been staring at my own face for the last 4 hours. I can't even stand the sound of my voice anymore. And people are always so excited to see you. Just look at the comments!” He shoved the phone is James's face, showing him all the comments mentioning his name.

“When will the rugby handsome make a comeback.” He read one of them out loud. “I have been having some dreams about him, if you know what I'm saying…” He blushed before he could read the next one. “Some of this people are quite graphic on their desire over my body.”

Sirius laughed and James knew he would do anything the man asked. It was so good to see him in that light, easy mode that was so rare in the last few weeks that he would do anything to keep that going.

“Ok, I'll do it. But no bunny ears!”

Sirius grimmed. He had already selected the cat filter.

\--

“You don't have to help me clean up every time, Lily”

It was late that Friday night and Remus and Lily swooped clean the room after the last meeting that took place in the Ariana Dumbledore Center for LGBT Youth, or ADC for shorts. There had been an open talk about sex health for transgender people and way more people showed up than the capacity, leaving the room messier than usual.

“I know” she said, stopping the sweeping to tie her long red hair in a ponytail. “But I am a volunteer here and it is no problem to stay a little bit late now and them.”

Remus smiled. He was glad Lily was always so eager to stay and help others. When they met four year before in the same room, she was this shy, but fierce teenager, trying to understand herself and finding others like her. The first meeting she went was a support group for trans teenagers and she didn't say a word, but seemed to absorb every single word spoken. Remus had stayed out of the conversation, the only cis person in the room, just making sure there were enough tea and cookies for everyone. They locked eyes in the end but none had anything to say. 

Two weeks later she was back for another meeting. She arrived half an hour earlier and stayed uncomfortably at the lounge area, where Remus was working. She looked worried someone would recognize her and jumped every time someone entered the room. 

“Do you want to wait in the back room?” Remus offered after a while. Lily jumped against, holding her bag closer to her chest. “I’m Remus, by the way. I work here. You may use he/him pronouns  with me.” he stepped closer, but left enough room for her to not feel invaded. 

Lily looked at Remus and shyly brushed her hair out of her face. It was brightly red and was long enough that barely touched her shoulders. She wore a grey oversized t-shirt and a skinny jeans, almost trying to fade to the background. The only part of her outfit that would stand out where her bright pink converses.

“I'm Lily”, she finally said. “Not sure about pronouns, but I guess she/her would be fine?”

She didn't sound sure about any of it. Remus smiled, reassuring. He found it always amazing how brave trans people were in their discovery path.

“I need to go to the back room before the meeting start. If you help me, I can sneak you some extra cookies”

She smiled back at him and looked a little bit more certain we when she followed him to the back room.

Four years later, there they were. Lily now lead the group discussion and no longer looked like she wanted to fade way. She was a proud and beautiful woman that every day looked more like herself. Remus was really proud of her. 

“I guess we are done here” said Lily. “I'm going and you need to go too.”

Even if Remus wanted to protest, he knew better than to contradict her. “It is quite late” he agreed.

“I'm going to get some Indian take out and head to James's. You wanna come?” Remus tried to look for an excuse “Sirius will be there” she added sheepishly.

Remus blushed and felt his ears going hot. He thought about the video he had seem at least 3 times that day, where Sirius talked about the show he presented at the center. There were some footage from the actual show as well as Sirius, looking like royalty in the good lighting and fancy chair, talking about how did it felt to perform it. He left out the running and throwing up part, but Remus did not judge him on that. He already thought that Sirius was pretty courageous to perform and talk in poetries like that. There was an specific part of the video Remus had seen over and over again. 

“It was an amazing night and I have a lot to thank,” said Sirius on the video “especially to everyone that made it possible for me to go out and actually talk in front of real people, not only to my camera. But there is one specific person I need to thanks: Remus John Lupin, manager at the Ariana Dumbledore Center for LGBT Youth, and the genius mind behind putting this show together”

Only thinking about it made Remus blush even more.

“He really liked you, you know? He couldn't stop speaking about you when we went out after” Lily added as they walked out of the room. “Please, come? Or at least walk me there? I don't want to call James to pick me up and he gets all fuzzy when I walk there by myself. I get also, to be honest” Remus could hear the small shiver in her voice. He felt angry at how scared she needed to be all the time to do something as simple as walk a couple of blocks to get food.

“I'll walk you” Remus agreed “but can't promise to lounge at James's. I need to be back here early tomorrow.”

“Sure thing!” 

They walked out the door, arm in arm, talking about the busy day they just had. Remus was feeling like he started getting the hang of his work as a manager at the center and every day there were more work to be done. He liked it, though. Feeling like he was making a difference, creating a space for people like him and Lily, people who have been told they were wrong, they were sinful, they were worthless. But Remus knew better, now. They were just far away and needed to come together. Because they were strong and beautiful.

The Indian take out place was packed in the early night. Lily placed the order, already adding a vegetarian option for Remus and he convinced himself to go. Her phone rang as they waited for their order.

“Hi, James! Yeah, I'm already on my way. I didn't want to bother you, I was in the center, is really close by. No, you don't need to pick me up, Remus is coming with. Yes, yes he's staying for dinner.” She pause to laugh “I'll be sure to tell him. See you soon, love.” She then turned to Remus “Sirius is looking forward to seeing you. James said he was just like a happy puppy when he mentioned your name”

Remus felt himself blushing again and couldn't be more grateful when their name was called to pick up their order.

“Ok, before we go in, we need some rules” Remus darted as they approached the nice building James, Sirius and their friend Peter lived in.

“What kind of rules?” Lily asked with curiosity.

“First, if I feel awkward, I get to leave and you need to cover for me.” He started “Two, you do not start telling 'funny stories’ from the beginning of our friendship. Three, you do not, by any circumstances, let Sirius know how many times I have watched his videos” he was counting on his fingers as he talked and looked extremely focused, as if no to forget anything. 

“I promise” she said with a playful smile on her face “But not even that one story about how you almost choked to death when you met that guy from that famous band… what's-his-name again?”

“Lily!” His checks went bright pink.

“I'm joking! I'll wait until you are gone to tell” before Remus could protest any further, she hanged the interfone.

\--

James was always a little nervous when Lily had to walk alone to his apartment. Not that she couldn't handle herself, she could, but that one incident right when they start dating over a year ago was enough to keep him pacing around the house even when he knew she had someone with her and was just around the block. And he knew Remus was a good guy, used to deal with all kind of bigotry to help those in need. He was one of the reasons Lily found it in herself to be so open and confident and James had a lot to thank the guy for. 

“You're gonna dig a hole in the ground if you keep pacing like that, mate” said Peter eyeing him from the sofa. “And Filch will finally find a reason to throw us out of the building.”

James stopped. Filch was the buildings caretaker and was always finding reasons to threaten to throw they out of the building. Once, they heard the mean listening through their door when Sirius brought home a “friend” still fully dressed in Drag. Total creeper.

“She can take care of herself, you know” said Sirius walking in the living room, drying his long black hair with a towel. “You shouldn't worry so much”

“I know, I know. But I can't help it. Even though she passes perfectly now and nothing has happened in the last couple of months it's just… it's a cruel world out there. She shouldn't have to deal with this kind of shit”

Sirius stopped behind him, throwing the towel in the back of a chair, and started massaging his shoulders. James moaned loudly at Sirius experienced hands and relaxed a little. 

“Relax, love” he whispered “She'll be here in a sec, safe and sound, with a shit ton of your favorite food and a gorgeous friend at her arm”

James laughed and dropped his head forward as Sirius started massaging his neck. “This crush you have on this guy is fucking amazing. You've seen like 5 minutes and half the time you were panicking”

“The man is amazing!” Sirius was offended “He takes care of the whole center virtually by himself, arranges all of those amazing activities and still has the time to be charming. How am I supposed to not have a crush on him?”

“Sirius has a crush on every single person that that has done half of a nice thing for the world and is remotely good looking.” Peter affirmed from the sofa “Crushing is what keeps our man going.”

Sirius threw his wet towel at him. “That is an outrageous lie!”

“Oh yeah?” Peter ducked in the right second and the towel landed softly on the floor behind him. “How about that girl…”

Before he could finish the sentence, the interphone rang and James ran to the small device. He sounded relieved when his girlfriend voice sounded from the buildings mains entrance. The door opened with a loud buzz that could be heard even in the 4th floor where they lived. “Behave yourselves” he demanded to his friends as he went to the door.

“When don't we?” Sirius asked, before ducking for the towel and hitting Peter in the shoulder with it's tip. James could only roll his eyes. The doorbell rang and with an exaggerated move, he threw it open to let Lily and Remus in.

\--

Even if it had earned Peter a wet towel beating, he was absolutely right to say that Sirius Black lived on crushing on people. If someone looked cute and had done a couple of nice things for their community, it was a sure thing. Of course he hardly done anything about his crushes besides pining after them and talking about them for long hours. When Peter saw Sirius nervously walking around the house after Remus messaged him for being in the show a couple of weeks prior, he knew it was only a matter of time before Sirius would be day dreaming about the other man.

Remus looked quite ordinary, if you asked Peter. Not that he himself was anything spectacular, especially not when compared with James and Sirius. Remus was tall and skinny with light brown curly hair that definitely needed a new haircut. He always wore clothes that looked like they belong to his bigger brother and were all black or grey. He could probably blend in to the background anywhere he went and never be noticed. Probably that's what he wanted to do.

But Peter was an expert of being in the shadows and learnt to be very observant. When he first started hanging out with Sirius and James at the University, he knew he would need to find a way to be useful or he would be forgotten. James and Sirius were this perfect little duo, all light and beautiful smiles. James was a rugby player, Sirius was already an YouTube sensation and he was just… There? So he quickly discovered that being quiet and observant made him quite valuable. He always knew which girls James could go after because they were definitely staring at his butt during practice. Or which parties they should go were they could get in for free just because he knew someone that was producing it. Or even where they could go when Sirius just needed to be loud and break things without anyone bothering them. Peter knew things, that was his role.

So when Remus walked in their apartment, looking shy and awkward, as if he had never been to such a nice place, Peter already knew a couple of things about him.

First, he was the general manager of the Ariana Dumbledore Center for LGBT Youth, one of the most actives NGOs in town creating safe spaces for queer youth. He had started there as a volunteer while still in high school, then started working there soon after he started University.

Two, he had a degree in social work and was applying for a master on social assistance at the same University Peter himself was taking his master in law and human rights. He was lucky enough to be able to pay for it, but Remus needed the scholarship.

Three, all of Remus online presence was related to either his academic research or his work at the center. There wasn't a single post in his social media not related to those two topics.

Four, Lily adored Remus. He was the only men besides James, Sirius and Peter she would talk about. Lily had plenty of girl friends, but was normally not to keen on making friends with strange men. But Remus had always been there for her and she talked about him with love and kindness. That enough made Peter like the guy.

As the five of them got themselves in a circle on the floor of the spacious living room to eat, Peter remained silent as the others spoke and laughed. It was kind of weird to have Remus among them - and fitting in so easily - because they had the four of them for a long time. Remus seemed like an ok enough guy, who did some amazing stuff and was great for Lily. But was he good enough to be a part of the Marauders?

“No one eats!” Said Sirius after they have finished opening up all the different dishes and all the different smells filled up the apartment. James stopped in the middle of putting a piece of bread in his mouth. Sirius took his phone out to take a picture -  _ an insta story _ Peter mentally corrected himself - before giving everyone an all clear.

“You do not need to put everything you do online” said Lily a little bit annoyed. One could not keep Lily Evans hungry if they wanted to live.

“Oh, but I do” replied Sirius, his mouth half filled with biryani. “How else am I supposed to keep an captive audience?”

James laughed “This YouTuber thing has definitely messed with your head”

“That's where you are wrong, James dear. My head have been messed with long before YouTube even existed” Sirius stated “But now I am even more obligated to post about my life online, as our dear Remus have made me extra famous?”

Peter watched Remus got red and choke as Sirius attention flew to him. Peter found it funny how different he was up close than the forward and funny host he had been at the show.

“It's truth, though!” Sirius added quickly as if apologising “The video I posted about the show this morning is the one with most views in the first 24 hours I've ever had. I've even gotten a message from a guy from BuzzFeed that wants to picture me in some ‘Queer artists to watch’ list he is making. I have a lot to thank you”

The more Sirius spoke, the more Remus got red. Peter laughed, thinking about how he himself used to be shy and awkward around how loud and exuberant Sirius could be.

“You are the one that needs to be thanked” the man finally managed to say, after drink some lassi “The whole show was great, but it was you everyone was talking about at the end. It was so… different from everything else. And we finished the night with double what we expected to earn.”

“Were  _ you _ talking about it when it finished?” Sirius was such a flirt.

“Yeah, yeah I was” Remus said, quietly

“I told you, Black!” Lily went on to rescue her friend “You shouldn’t worry so much. The audience just love that skinny body of yours.”

“And here I was, thinking people would like me for my art, not only my dashing looks” Sirius put his hand on his forehead, such a drama queen.

“Nah, we only care about your nice hair and cute ass” she replied, laughing and making James puff. She laughed even harder and kissed him on the cheek. “Don’t worry, love. I think we’ve already established that Sirius is not my type. I would rather go for strong and athletic than for the skinny hipster punk rock.”

Sirius threw a cushion at her, but James was quick enough to deflect it and it missed Peters head for a bit.

The rest of the dinner went quietly, with Sirius and Lily making all of the talking. It was good to see Sirius in such a good mood, playing around and flirting with Remus, probably just to make him blush. The skinny man go more relaxed as all of them stuffed their face with the delicious food and was flirting back with Sirius by the time they had finished. Lily and James volunteered to do the dishes - or snog at the kitchen where no one would complain - and Peter pretended to be to entertained by his phone while Sirius drew closer. Way closer than necessary for a friendly chat.

“Would you mind appearing in one of my videos?” Sirius asked, after some time of silence. Remus looked up, looking surprised.

“Me? In a video? Like, in your channel or something?” He sounded a little desperate

“Yeah? You don’t have to if you don’t wanna. But I’ve wanted to make a video about the center and the work you guys do there. Maybe ask for some donations? I know you have been fighting to get the funds you need. Lily told me…” Sirius sounded weirdly shy. Peter turned a little in the sofa so he could watch them better without being noticed.

“I’ll think about it. For the center, I mean. You could get Lily to talk, too, she had been volunteering there for almost as long as I have.” he stopped to look at his phone and swore under his breath. “It’s late, I should be going…”

In a sec, Sirius was at his feet, offering a hand to help Remus stand. He took it, growing red again as Sirius held way longer than necessary. “Think about the video, yeah? You know how to get home from here? Want me to walk you to the tube or the bus stop?”

“No, it’s fine. The center is pretty close from here, I know how to walk around.” He smiled at Sirius. Peter tried to decipher if it was a “thank you for being nice” smile or a “thank you for being so charming” one. He betted on the last one. “Just going to say bye to Lily and…”

But the women was just walking back to the living room, looking a little too flushed. James was right behind her. “Going already?” she sounded a little disappointed. 

“Yeah, I’ve told you I need to be back here early tomorrow”

“You could stay here, if you wanted” she replied with a mischievous smile. Sirius quickly looked up, a smile returning to his lips at the prospects.

“I… I wouldn’t want to impose. And mom is waiting, she already messaged me 4 times and all.”

“Oh, Lily, just let the man go” Peter finally said and Remus looked relieved someone stepped in for him. It could be extremely hard to say no to Lily. He looked at Peter with as a silent thank you. 

“You know how to get home? Want me to walk you to the tube or something?” James asked. Remus, Peter and Sirius laughed. Sometimes, James and Sirius were so similar it seemed they were twins, just born from different families. 

“No need, I’ll be fine.” he finally managed to say. 

Goodbyes were said and he finally left, with a quick kiss from Sirius on his cheek. Once the door was closed, Sirius, Lily and James looked to Peter. He tried to look as if he didn’t know what was about to happen. “What?”

“Don’t ‘what’ us, Peter.” James said “You know exactly what is happening now”

“What do you think about him?” asked Sirius, trying not to sound too nervous.

“I wouldn’t expect him to be this shy, with all the work he does. I mean, he is with strangers most of the time and was a good host for the show the other night.” He started.

“I’ve told you guy, he is super shy! He makes a super effort at the center, but elsewhere…” Lily interrupted, but than shutted. She knew how the three of them worked and that Sirius and James would accept anyone’s observations other than Peter.

“He’s definitely into Sirius” he said, matter of factly. “But I’m sure he wouldn’t make a move even if his life depended on it, so you need to go after him, mate, if you want your crush to actually become something.”

“I don’t have a crush on him!” Sirius protested. The other three only looked at him, he wasn’t fooling anyone. “Ok, I may have a crush on him. But it’s a ‘he does an amazing work and I want to be close to the things the promotes’ crush, not a ‘I want to push him in the closest wall and snog him senseless’ crush.”

“If you say so.” Peter replied, clearly not believing Sirius. “Anyway, I think he is a nice bloke. Probably could use some loosing up and working less. I would invite him over again.”

Sirius smiled at the “all clear” from Peter. Not that he needed it, he would do whatever he wanted anyway, but having Peter back him up was always good. He could be clueless about relationships when it came for his own life, but the chubby man had a keen eye when observing others. He always knew when Sirius relationships would go wrong way before Sirius himself did.

“Well, since my best friend is approved by our little spy here” she kindly smiled at Peter “my duty for tonight is done.” James put his hand around his girlfriend waist as she stood up to leave for his room. “All this talking about snoging people senseless had giving me some ideas” he said, way too loud. 

“Just keep the noise down” said Sirius grumply “Please remember that we share a wall” 

“I’ll try to keep that in mind” said James, but they all knew he wouldn’t. 

Sirius looked back at Peter. “You really think he likes me? He was all evasive and shy the whole night” he looked unsure.

“Trust me on this one, right? The guy likes you. And you know, who wouldn’t?” Peter nudged Sirius on the side “Just try not to scare him off before he even get the chance to know the real you, yeah?”

Sirius looked thoughtful. Peter knew he wouldn’t believe him. Sirius may look all confident and self assured, but Peter knew better. Most of the time, he was only putting on a show to try to convince himself he was actually worth something, but he was filled with doubts. 

“Start with that video, let him make some space for you. I bet that if you get him some coverage for the center he’ll do anything for you. That guy would do anything for that place. But for now, just go to sleep. You’ll have a busy week with all the repercussion the new video is getting.” 

“Thanks, Pete” Sirius said. “Really hope you are right.” 

“When am I not?”

“Oh, I remember a certain Bertha Jorkins…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love Peter being an important person in the story. And Remus being shy and akward? My baby.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You know what, you should ask Sirius to come and film today!” Alice said.
> 
> “I’m not sure if he was serious about the whole filming here thing.” Remus said. “I mean, this is not the kind of thing he would normally have on his channel.”
> 
> “Well, I think an openly queer guy that is as famous as he is online had nothing to lose helping other queers out.” Said Frank coming into the conversation and stealing a pastry from Alice’s hand. “Even if he ends up not putting the video on his channel, he could still help us out with some material.”
> 
> “Just message the guy, Rem. The worst thing he can say is he wont do it. And them we’ll know he was just in for the attention anyway.” Alice was always practical. No wonder she and Lily always got on so easily.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: Self harm, quite graphic. Proceed with caution.

Lily woke up with the heat from the sun warming her. It was too early to be up. She moved to get closer to James, but found no one in bed. Cautiously, she opened her eyes. The room was bright, as they’ve forgotten to close the curtains last night, too focused on being over each other to care about much else. She turned in bed and looked at the alarm clock in the night stand. 6:34. Why was James even up at that unholy hour in a Saturday was beyond her. She stretched lazyly,wandering if she should go looking for her boyfriend or go back to sleep. Her eyes were already closed when she heard the door open and James walk in, trying to be silent as he closed the curtains.

“Morning, love” she said, offering her hand to pull him into bed.

He went under the covers and snuggled close to her. “Did I wake you up?” he asked, his voice low close to her ear.

“Not really. I woke up  and missed you. Where were you?” 

“Sirius had a rough night. Woke up at 3 or something from nightmares. I didn’t want to wake you, so I sneak out to be with him for a while. He just went back to sleep, hope he’ll get some rest.” 

Lily held James around her closer. He and Sirius had such a strong relationship, she sometimes felt kind of jealous, imagining if she and James would ever be that close. It was as if they could read each other's mind and always knew where to be when needed. Lily was a light sleeper and haven't heard a single thing all night, but somehow James just knew to go to Sirius.

“Is he ok? The show thing, it wasn’t too much, was it?” She asked, worried. 

“He’ll be fine.” James answered and kissed the back of her neck lightly “But now just go to sleep.”

\--

Remus yawned, earning a cross look from an old lady sitting in front of him. He rubbed his eye with his free hand, trying to will himself awake. It was hard enough to be awake that early on a Saturday and it did not help that it took him forever to fall asleep. Did Sirius really want him to appear in one of his videos? One of his well produced, beautifully edited and carefully filmed videos? Remus had been on a camera before talking about the center, it had quite grown in the last two years, but somehow being in front of Sirius camera felt different. More… personal.

Most of Sirius work was artistic. He would film himself performing poetry, had a couple of short conceptual movies and even his opinion pieces looked like something that could be in a cinema. Or at least on Netflix. Maybe there should be a series about Sirius. Something classy on queer art or something. Remus smiled as he imagined posters and ads withs Sirius smile and dramatic faces, his black waves framing his pale face. 

He looked at his own face reflected at the bus window and sighted. Could it be that Sirius actually wanted to hangout with him? Or was it just something to help out a cause he cared about? It was clear he had flirted with Remus the night before, but maybe that was just how he was with people? He would probably do that to anyone, especially someone that would blush and get shy as easily as Remus. He was such a mess.

He left the bus and a hot flush of hair hit him. He took a deep breath and started the short walk to the center, where they had a big day planned. The idea came to him from Alice, after a queer muslim support group. Many of the people that went to the center were first or second generation immigrants and finding ways to connect their identities to their cultural heritage were a struggle in many cases. Alice herself came from a small village in Portugal and had grown up a catholic. She wanted to connect with her faith at the same time she wouldn’t apologize for being a bisexual woman. She had made friends with Frank, a muslim trans men from Kashmir, and both of them suggested the whole thing. They would start with a cultural fair where everyone could share food, music and any traditions they my find fitting from their culture. There would be some cultural presentations followed by a couple of talks and open debates. 

When he arrived, Alice and Frank were already waiting, talking animatedly about they day they had ahead of them. They both smiled and waved as soon as they saw Remus. “I thought you’d never get here!” said Alice hugging him.

“I am 5 minutes early, Alice” he replied, already contaminated by their happy mood “You two are just to early and too happy about it.”

“We were just so excited, you know” Frank said. “There are like 800 people in the facebook event and everyone is just so excited. And I cannot wait to feist on all of the sweets Alice brought in from her mom.” He eyed the big box Alice as holding.

“Well, Portuguese sweets are something that can get someone quickly in a happy mood. Let’s go in, there is a lot to be done” He unlocked the front door and walked in. It would be a good day.

By mid morning the place was packed with an amazingly diverse crowd. Remus had told Alice about the conversation from the previous night as they got the place ready and people started coming in. 

“You know what, you should ask Sirius to come and film today!” Alice said.

“I’m not sure if he was serious about the whole filming here thing.” Remus said. “I mean, this is not the kind of thing he would normally have on his channel.”

“Well, I think an openly queer guy that is as famous as he is online had nothing to lose helping other queers out.” Said Frank coming into the conversation and stealing a pastry from Alice’s hand. “Even if he ends up not putting the video on his channel, he could still help us out with some material.”

“Just message the guy, Rem. The worst thing he can say is he wont do it. And them we’ll know he was just in for the attention anyway.” Alice was always practical. No wonder she and Lily always got on so easily.

Remus took his phone and searched for Sirius contact. Should he message him? Or maybe call? It wasn’t that early, but it was a Saturday after all. Maybe Sirius would just be sleeping. He knew he would be if it wasn’t…

“Just message him already!” Alice’s voice took him out of his trance.

_ Hey, Sirius. I was wondering, did you really meant that about making a video about the center? We are having a cultural festival today and Alice thinks you could come and make some nice shots. No worries if you already have plans _ .

He re-read the message three time before hitting the send button. He busied himself to try and not think about if he would get a reply. 

It was just past noon and the first presentation was about to start when his phone vibrated with the response.

**Sorry for the late response. Is it still up? I would love to come! I can be there in an hour or so, if it’s ok with you**

Remus smiled at his phone. Sirius was coming. More than that, he would  _ love _ to come. 

“Guess  he said yes, then?” Alice whispered in his ear as he had probably staring and smiling at his phone for too long. 

“He said he can get here in an hour.” He answered back

“Great! We can still get a couple performances on video!”

\--

Sirius looked at the message he had just sent as he tried to convince himself to get out of bed. Why on earth had he agreed on going out, being in the middle of a crowd and actually filming? And in a fucking hour. Alright the center was less than 15 minutes away from his apartment, but still. He wasn’t even sure he wanted to put on clothes and look alive. Before he could send another message changing his mind, Remus reply came in with a soft “ping” sound

_ Wow, that would be great! The presentations should make for great footage :) _

Well, now he needed to go, right? He left the bed and threw on a t-shirt from the floor as he headed for the kitchen, hoping some of this flatmates would have had the decency to leave some coffee for him.

Lily greeted him when he entered the well lit kitchen, trying to blink the sleep away from his eyes. The smell of coffee was inebriating.

“Morning, Black” she chanted. “Want some coffee? I’ve just made it” Her hair was a little wet and she had one of James old Rugby shirts on, way too big on her petite frame. Sometime, she looked as if she had always belonged there.

“You, Lily Evans, are an angel.” He said as he filled a whole cup with the heavenly liquid.

“You are not the first one to tell me that,” She replied with a smile, than seemed a little worried. “Did you manage to sleep? James said you had nightmares“

“Yeah, I slept a little.” They both knew it was a lie. “Speaking of James, where is he?”

“Taking a shower.” She knew better than to force him to talk “He has a lunch with some potential client or something. How about you up already. Do you have any plans?”

Siriu took a long sip before answering. “Remus asked me to come by the center to film today. They are having some sort of festival.”

“Oh, the Global Fair!” She suddenly looked cheerful again. “I’ve completely forgotten about it, even though is the only thing Alice have been able to talk about for the last two weeks or so. Well, that and the Frank boy she’s been working with… Mind if I tag along?”

It would be nice to have Lily around. If anything went wrong, she could cover for him as he slipped away.  “It is an open event” he said, aiming for sarcastic but just sounding content. 

She ignored his remark. “Want any help packing the camera and stuff?”

“Yeah, I’ll just go for a shower first. That is, if you boyfriend haven't finished with all the hot water again. JAAAAAAMEEES.”

The place was packed when they arrived and Sirius immediately regretted his decision. He was wearing what he normally did when working on a video he would produce: black t-shirt, black skinny jeans and black boots. Even when looking that bland, being around crowds were never a good idea. Lily’s hand was in his shoulder, reassuring, and they walked in. Remus said he would be at the central room, where the performances were happening. Sirius looked around trying to find the tall man, but he bumped into him first. 

“Sirius!” He sounded a little surprised on him being there. “I didn’t think you would actually come, short notice and all.”

“I said I would, didn’t I?” Sirius replied with a small smile, trying to force some confidence up him.

“And he does live a couple of blocks away.” Added Lily.

It was hard having a conversation with the loud music, so Remus led them into one of the rooms in the back. “So, how do you want to do this?” he asked, a little nervous. “Alice thought you could probably get some general shoots and them get some testimonies from people while the talks happen in the afternoon? We can’t get the actual discussion on cameras cuz it gets people uncomfortable and it kind of ruins the whole ‘safe and open space’ thing. But maybe you can set thing up at the front and me and Alice can find some people for you?” He was really glad Alice had already thought that through as he would never actually have any idea on what to do.

“That sounds good, actually. For a starter, I think I’ll set up a Go Pro next to the main entrance. That can give us some nice time lapse latter. And I’ll put a camera in a tripod to film the rest of the performances if that’s ok. When we finish that, we can arrange things for the interviews.” Having work on his mind helped Sirius stay on focus and would keep his mind from drifting away too far. Everything would be fine. 

“Let’s get to work, then!” Lily clapped her hands together excited. It was great having the different parts of her life coming together like this. She linked her arms with Sirius then with Remus and the three of them walked out the room. 

\--

“The first time I came to the ADC, I was thinking it was a silly thing to do. There wouldn’t be someone like me. I thought I would need to chose and only show a part of me: I could only be trans or muslim, there were no way I could bring together both those aspects of my life. But here I understood that being LGBT has nothing to do with where I’m from or what my faith is. And that all kind of different people can come together to celebrate their similarities, but also their differences. I am really proud to be here today with people sharing their heritage. Oh, and all of the amazing food, that is one thing everyone can appreciate.” 

Frank was the last one to speak to Sirius’ camera and the two men stood alone in the room, the noise from outside fading away as people left.

“Seeing this crowd here today was… Heartwarming. I got the chance to meet other muslim queer people and even one really religious non binary person who is 47 now. They spoke in one of the group sharings about their experience, how hard it has been to navigate our world of tradition and still respect their identity. When I came out to my family it was… hard. Abbi said Alah would punish me and I needed to come back to the right path. Oumi cried and cried and wouldn’t speak for me for ages. Thing are better now, but it’s still hard for them, seeing how I can still want to live my life as a man and respect our religious traditions. 

What we got here today, this is what I want for me: finding peace and respect within myself and those around me. There are more people like us and we get stronger as we get together.”

Sirius took some deep breaths, trying not to cry. He had seen so many beautiful stories during the day. People who had been left alone, who had had to run away, who lived on the streets. It was just… too much emotion. As Frank stopped talking and looked at him, he stopped recording. 

“Is it enough?” Frank asked. Even though he spoke with ease and naturality, now he seemed a little anxious. 

“More than. Thank you for sharing it with me.”

“I’m glad you asked. And I’m glad you are here. Our stories need to be told, our voices need to be heard. And we need more channels to speak up.” He smiled awkwardly and extend his hand for Sirius to shake. “Now if you don’t mind, I’ll go back out there. They’ll probably need my help cleaning up the space.” With a  wave of good bye, he left. 

Finally alone, Sirius let himself crumble. He sat on the floor, hugging his knees close to his body. It had been a long day. All the stories he had heard were flying around his head, mixing up with his own fears and doubts.  _ People were happy to be heard _ he tried to tell himself  _ They say it gets better. Most of them had worse lives than mine. Shit, some of them had to live in the streets because they had no one to rely on. No one with whom to share their stories… _

He knew that trains of thought would get him nowhere. It didn’t really matter how many people had had it worse than him. If anything, it only made him feel worse about feeling bad. His hand went automatically to his back pocket, where his swiss army knife always was. He was so conscious of it, it was as if it was about to burn a hole into his pocket. He picked it up and opened the blade. Outside, someone was laughing and Sirius felt his heart drop. He was useless. There wasn’t a single thing he could actually do to make the lives of those people better. Even if he did an amazing video, even if it was a success, nothing could erase their trauma. Nothing could erase his. Nothing could stop his pain. 

He felt his heart racing and his breath speeding. Thoughts got tangled, his own misery twisting with the stories he had heard during the day. One by one, he took out all of his colorful bracelets. Red, orange, yellow, green, blue, purple. He looked at his bare wrist, event whiter than the rest of his pale arm.  _ You now that the only way to calm you down. You deserve it, this pain, you deserve it _ . He touched the tip of his blade to an old scar, tracing it with no pressure. When would that end? All of the noises in his head went quiet as he strongly pressed the cold blade in an unmarked part of his wrist, the sting radiating through his arm as he kept cutting. He stopped right before that part he knew would show even with all of his bracelets on and took some deep breaths, trying to calm down. He watched as the blood slowly came out and focused on the physical pain he was feeling. As the blood dripped from his wrist to the floor, he heard steps just outside the door.  _ Shit _ . 

He looked around for something to stop the bleeding before anyone could see it. He saw the square linen for cleaning camera lenses just at the table on his left side. When the door opened and Remus came in, he was putting aways his materials.

“Everything ok here?” asked Remus.

_ Could he have noticed something? _ Sirius thought, anxiety creeping up again.

“Frank said you have finished, so we came here to ask if you needed any help to pack up.” He continued, stepping closer. 

“No, I’m fine.” Sirius replied, concentration to not let his voice betray him “I can put everything away by myself, I bet you guys have a lot to do out there, I just need to make sure everything is properly stored and I’ll be there in a minute to help out.”

Remus tentatively took a step closer. “You sure? I wouldn’t mind. If we work together, it all gets done faster.” He smiled. Fuck, that smile.

“Yeah, I’m sure. There is all those rules to put these away, it’s easier if I just do it myself.”

Only when the other man left, Sirius was able to properly breath. What the hell was he doing? The cut in his wrist stung and he did everything he could to make it hurt even more as he moved to  put all of his filming material in the proper place.

“You need to keep it together,” he muttered to himself “or you’ll end up getting caught.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a hard chapter to write and really important for me as well. I hope more people can resonate with that and for you I want to say: It gets better.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Well, I’ve read that intimacy is what drives love. Some psychologist even came up with this thing, 36 questions to make people fall in love” Was it too much? Too fast? Remus was growing nervous again, but it had nothing to do with his troubled past anymore.  
> Sirius smiled at him, one of those playful bright smiles of him. Remus could probably melt in one of those smiles.  
> “You’ll probably won’t have to try that hard to make me fall in love with you.” Sirius said and blushed, as if he hadn't meant to say that out loud. Remus blushed as well and hid behind his glass of wine. Sirius seemed to be the first one to recover. “I guess it’s your turn to make a question.”

After that first day of filming, Sirius became a regular face at the ADC. He had shown the first footage to Lily and they decided to make a short documentary about the center and people who took part in its programs. At least once a week, there would be Sirius, camera in hand. Some days he would just fade in the background and record the general movements. Others, he would talk to everyone, get testimonies and come up with funny little moments to use as filler. 

It was easy for Remus to get used to him. He thought Sirius would be bossy and stuck up, but he just needed to open up a little to see the sweet caring men behind the cocky face. It was amazing to see how passionate he was when working, how he took care of every detail to make sure people would feel comfortable and open up in front of the camera. They quickly found out they went to the same university, although they had never met before. Sirius had studied design and focused on video and digital art as Remus studied sociology and was applying for his master at social assistance (Sirius tried to sound impressed as if Peter hadn’t told him already). They shared tales of their life on campus and professors they had. Remus would always try to hide whenever he already knew something Sirius was presenting him as new because he had seen him talk about it in one of his videos. 

“The night of the show, I asked you out to eat,” Sirius said one night out of the blue as they were just about to leave the center “you wanna come tonight?”

Remus was unsure. Having Sirius around was great during the day, when there were lots of people around and things to do, but he was not sure if he could keep it together if it was only the two of them. Sirius haven't asked him on a date, he was only being polite and remembering a promise he had made, right?

Sirius seemed to catch the nervousness in Remus. “I’m not asking you on a date” he tried, sounding a little disappointed “if you don’t want it to be”. 

“There is actually this rule here that I’m not supposed to date any of the center’s volunteers.” Remus left out with a sight. 

“Well, aren’t we lucky, then? I’m not a center volunteer. I’m doing a pro bono movie for you guys, and that is completely different.” He had a mischievous smile on his face and offered his arm for Remus “And, as I said, this will only be a date if you want to to be. We can be only two mates hanging out and having pizzas. I know this amazing place close by. James used to take me there all the time, but not he is all psyched with his ‘rugby diet’ to treat me with anything.”

How could Remus say no to that smile? He took Remus arm and let him lead the way to a particularly calm part of the neighborhood. Even though Remus had been coming to the center for years now, he would normally not walk to the fancy part of the neighborhood, unless when he would walk Lily to James’ place. He felt a little uneasy with the coffee houses that would charge way too much and the clothing stores where a jacket would cost more than what he would earn in a couple of months. The place where they finally stopped did not look like a pizza place except for the small sign at the iron gates. “La Trattoria Nascosta - Cena Speciale” and some other description in italian he had no idea what could mean. Sirius slipped his hand into Remus’ and gave his fingers a gentle squeeze as they walked in. They passed through a small corridor and Remus stopped mouth open when he saw the actual restaurant.

Tables were spreaded across a beautiful garden litten by little fairy lights in white, red and green. Every table had a candle on it and some soft music was playing. Only three tables were occupied with couples talking softly or laughing at each other. Sirius moved uncomfortably at Remus side.

“Is it too much? We can go somewhere else if you want. It’s just the food here is really something and I didn’t want to go to far and…” 

Remus squeezed Sirius fingers, still enlaced with his. “This is perfect.” he said softly “How did you manage to find this place?”

Sirius visibly relaxed and moved forward, looking for a table far enough that most people wouldn’t notice them. “The owners daughter had a few classes with me” he said, once he found the perfect spot.  _ And we dated for a while _ he thought, but found it better not to tell Remus.  A small women came from the kitchen and smiled broadly once she spotted Sirius. 

“Black, fancy seeing you here!” she had a strong italian accent and spoke as if she was singing. “And who is this nice one over here?” she eyed Remus curiously.

“Aurora, this is Remus. He works at the Ariana Dumbledore Center, you know?” she nodded slightly “Remus, this is Aurora, the brilliant mind behind this little italian paradise.”

“It is a pleasure meeting you.” Said Remus shyly “This place is quite something, I would never expect such a cozy thing around here.”

“With all the posh restaurants around here, I knew I needed to do something cozy and familiar. I wanted to bring something really italian, like I could travel back to my fattoria… Well, what will it be for tonight? You two in a special night?” She winked at Sirius and Remus blushed.

“Is there anything you wouldn’t eat?” Sirius asked him, with a playful smile.

“I’m quite allergic to seafood, but I’m fine with anything else, I guess.” Remus replied, then watched Sirius discuss their dinner in italian with Aurora. She left after a short while with a wave of good bye and a laughter. 

“So… You speak Italian?” was the only thing he could make himself ask.

“Yeah. And French. And German. And Greek” He shrugged “I’m supposed to now Latin as well, but that one just faded away as soon as I stopped with the classes.”

Remus looked at the men in front of him. They have been meeting and talking and working together for the last couple of weeks and still there was so little he knew about him.

“So…” he cleared his throat “Once this is clearly a date, as this place gives me no choice as to think otherwise,” he watched that mischievous smile appear on Sirius face again “maybe we can do that thing that we ask questions and get to know each other better?” He tried really hard to not sound as nervous as he felt.

“That would be only fair. You may start.”

Before Remus could say anything, Aurora was back with a jar of red wine and a basket filled with different types of bread, together with salt and olive oil. 

“Why do you know that many languages?” Remus started.

“My mother made me do learn it. She comes from this super traditional French family and says that you can only truly understand art if you speak the languages of art, or something like that. And my father thought that was  _ just right _ that we would know all of this things better than our cousins. I came from this very traditional, very old fashioned family and my father wanted me to be the best, being the family heir and all. I could never properly deal with the pressure, thought.” Sirius tried to play it lightly, but Remus knew his family was a touchy subject and did not pressure on the matter. “My turn. What is you favorite food in the world?”

“Pizza” he replied before even thinking and so the little spark in Sirius eyes. “How did you and James and Peter met? You look like you've known each other since forever”

Sirius took a sip from his wine before answering “We kind of do. At least me and James. We went for this same posh boarding school when we were kids and we shared a room. I had to take lots of extra classes to ‘learn how to behave like a proper gentleman’ and James would always make fun of me for it. One day I snapped and started a fight. By the end of it I was crying and spilling my secrets for him. He was always good at that, getting people to trust him, even if he had to get punched for it first. Peter came later. He was an intern at the Law Firm James’ works at and we first met him at the annual party. We got him drunk and convinced him to chat up one of the top partner, an amazing lady called Minerva McGonagall.” Sirius stopped as Remus made a funny face at that, as if he had known the woman. “Do you know her?”

“Yes, I do!” Remus said excitedly. “She does some pro bono work for the center, had done since forever. She is a close friend from the man how created it, Albus Dumbledore. He's hardly ever around anymore, he is old and works a lot, but he's kind of my boss. She actually was the one to help me out…” he covered his mouth with his hand, as if he had said too much.

“I've always knew Minnie was a softie at heart. You don't need to tell me what case she helped you with, if you don't want to…”

Remus took some time considering. He felt more inclined to it when Sirius’ hand came to rest over his, his thumb calmly caressing his wirst. 

“I was abused when I was a teenager. Physically and sexually. He was my neighbor and I admired him so much. I guess you could say he was the first man I felt for. And he figured it out, even before I did. In the beginning it was just touches, he would lay down with me in the park close to our building and softly touch my neck or my arms. It felt weird but exciting at the same time. But then it got scary. I was 12 and he was 19 and I had no idea what I was doing, I just knew it was wrong. He would make me do things… And hurt me when I wouldn’t. He said no one would believe and my parents would leave me if they found out. I saw some flyers for the ADC in the community center were I took boxing lessons and went there one day after school. I literally run into Dumbledore and that’s how the whole thing started. Minerva helped me a lot through it and now they guy is in jail. He abused other 2 boys in our building, they spoke out after I did.”

He felt a tear in his cheek before he realized he was crying. He couldn’t raise his eyes to look at Sirius and brought a hand to his face to wipe the tears away. “So much for a first date, hu?” he tried to joke. 

“Oh, Remus, I’m so sorry…” Sirius reached his other hand to touch Remus face lightly on the chin to make him look up. “I’m really sorry that happened to you. Thank you for telling me all of this. That’s really intimate.”

“You make me feel comfortable.” He didn’t want to cry about that anymore, he wanted to be in that moment. “I like being with you, Sirius.”

Aurora choose that exact moment to come with the two pizzas. “Sorry to interrupt, ragazze. Hope the food will lighten up your night a little.” She left silently.

“I like being with you too.” Sirius pulled back his hand so they could eat and Remus felt suddenly cold. “So, should we stop with this questions thing?”

“Well, I’ve read that intimacy is what drives love. Some psychologist even came up with this thing, 36 questions to make people fall in love” Was it too much? Too fast? Remus was growing nervous again, but it had nothing to do with his troubled past anymore.

Sirius smiled at him, one of those playful bright smiles of him. Remus could probably melt in one of those smiles.

“You’ll probably won’t have to try that hard to make me fall in love with you.” Sirius said and blushed, as if he hadn't meant to say that out loud. Remus blushed as well and hid behind his glass of wine. Sirius seemed to be the first one to recover. “I guess it’s your turn to make a question.”

Remus contemplated for a while what to ask and ate a piece of his pizza. Then he just had to stop. It was amazing. Sirius laughed at his reaction. “Told you I would bring you to some nice pizza.”

“This goes way beyond ‘nice’. This is the best pizza I’ve ever had in my entire life. And, man, I eat a  _ lot _ of pizza.”  _ Probably too much _ , he mentally added.

“Be sure to tell Aurora that, I’ll want to be in her good side for next time we come here.”

“So there will be a next time for us here?” Remus added hopefully.

“I mean, if you want to. Let’s see if that theory of questions of your works.”

Remus took another a piece of pizza before he could think of something to ask. “Do you sing in the shower? And, if so, to what songs?”

Sirius laughed out loud before he could answer. “I sing all the time, even when I’m not supposed to. I guess my shower tunes are usually from musicals. It brings some epic tone to the whole getting clean task.”

\--

The night went on between questions, wine, laughter and some inebriating italian food. By the time Aurora came with two cups of  _ espresso  _ and the check, Sirius had moved his chair to sit by Remus’ side and played lightly with his fingers.

“Looks like you’re having fun, ragazze, but it’s time for us to close.” She said, sounding amused by the two of then.

“Close? Perché ti stai chiudendo così presto?” Said Sirius with a put.

“Presto? It’s already past midnight, Sirius.” She tried to sound annoyed, but was too amused by Sirius. 

“Oh, shit. I’ll have to take the night bus. I’ll probably have to sit for hours waiting for it.” Remus reached for his wallet to pay and leave, but Sirius rested his hand on his thigh and Remus felt his heart skip a beat.

“Hey, it’s my treat, remember? And we’ll figure something about the bus. We can probably get James to drive you or something.” It was probably the wine and the good food and the beautiful night they were having, but Remus felt inclined to believe in Sirius in every way.

They drank their coffee and left. Sirius held Remus’ hand as they walked to his apartment. Remus felt nervous. It had been a lovely night, that’s for sure. They talked about music, dreams, friendship and even about past relationships. 

Sirius told him how his father beated him when he saw him and James kissing in Sirius room, so he left and James parents took him in. They were both 16 and it was a weird time. James was confused and a horny teenager and Sirius would mistake any sympathy for love, as he had never had any before.

Remus shared about his work on the center and how he wanted to do even more for the LGBT community and had a plan on working for the government and make public policies. He talked about people he met at the center and how much they have helped him grow. How he still sometimes had nightmares about the man that abused him.

They walked in a comfortable silence, way closer than they needed, each lost in their thoughts about the conversations they just had. They stopped in front of Sirius’ apartment, both lost in what to do.

“Do you want to come up?” Sirius suddenly was all shy and awkward. “We can see if James can give you a ride and…”

Remus couldn’t help himself. He looked so adorable, looking for words and blushing with a small smile. Remus reached for Sirius face before he knew what he was doing, putting a rebellious lock of his black hair behind his ear and brushing his cheeks lightly. Sirius closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Remus let his hand rest in the back of Sirius neck for a while, admiring every detail in Sirius face. His long lashes, his pink thin lips, his high cheekbones and his square jaw. He was so beautiful. He thanked the wine for the courage and close his eyes, moving forward to touch Sirius lips with his own.

Before he could even understand what was happening, Sirius had his arm around his waist and was kissing him back, his tongue carefully exploring Remus’ mouth. He tasted marvelously of coffee and wine and something else that had to be just his. After a while, Sirius pulled back to breath and looked up at Remus. He looked so happy. “So that’s a yes?” he asked. 

“Yes, I’ll come up.”

Sirius took Remus hand on his again and led him to his apartment door. It took him awhile to find the right keys and he shushed Remus when the door was finally open, being cautious to not make too much noise. All of the lights were out and there wasn’t a single noite do be hear.

“Peter is at his girlfriend house” he whispered “And Lily is not supposed to be here today, so James is either sleeping or…”

A loud snore came from the corridor and Sirius tried not to laugh too loud.

“Well, I can’t wake him, even if it’s for you. The guy needs his beauty sleep.” he stopped and bit his lips, considering what to do next. “I can walk you to the bus stop and wait for the night bus with you, or…” instead of saying anything, he stepped closer to Remus and kissed him lightly in the neck. He let out a small moan.

“Or…” Remus tried to make him continue. Sirius looked up to Remus, but didn’t step back. Remus could feel the heat coming from his body and already knew the only thing he would be able to do.

“Or you could stay here? We don’t need to do anything if you don’t want to, but I would love to cuddle up with you.” Sirius did not know where he found to courage to say those things. There was definitely something in Aurora’s wine. He would ask the next time he went there.

Remus only reply was to start kissing Sirius again, both arms around his waist to bring him closer. Sirius just left himself be carried away by the taller man.

\--

Sirius woke up slowly, thankful the he had decided on the black out curtains after Euphemia insisted for days. Yes, they weren’t as beautiful, but they made it possible to ignore the sun outside. He reached for his phone on the nightstand. 9:32. Still early for a saturday morning, but he knew he wouldn’t be able to sleep anymore. Remus made a soft noise besides him and he turned to watch as the man slowly woke.

“What time is it?” he asked with a muffled voice

“9:30. You can go back to sleep if you want.” Sirius replied and caressed Remus brown locks and letting him cuddle closer. 

“I can never go back to sleep.” He replied “You wanna get up?”

Sirius considered it for a while. It was quite good being in bed with Remus, but there were a lot he needed to get done that day and the longer he stayed, the harder it would be to get up.

“Yes, I can make us coffee.” Sirius tried to get up, but Remus had his hand around his wrist.

“Would you mind… Not turning on the lights before I get dressed?” Remus sounded a little scared when he asked that. Sirius was actually glad he had asked it, as he was not ready also to let Remus see his body and all of awful scars. He went back to kiss Remus in the head. “Yeah, sure. Do you want some pajamas so we can go for breakfast and not worry too much?” Remus just nodded, Sirius close enough to feel it. He got up and went to his closet, eyes getting used to the darkness. He picked the first two pairs of pajamas he could see and threw the bigger one at Remus. It was one he had stole from James a couple of years ago because his pajamas were always warmer and cozier than his own, on Sirius opinion. He got dressed and then stumbled back to the bed, finding his bracelets on the nightstand and putting them back on. He turned to Remus, already fully dressed and kissed him, morning breath and all. “Shall we, then?” 

Sirius smiled broadly when he opened the curtains and looked at Remus, disheveled hair and sleepy eyes. The pants fitted perfectly and he was wearing a black shirt of Sirius that said “Punk Rock is not dead”. He looked too adorable to be real.

They walked in the kitchen hand in hand, with silly smiles on their faces and found James and Lily sitting at the table. “Oh, good morning!” said Lily, clearly having fun with the situation “So here you were that wouldn’t answer me all night.”

Remus blushed. “Did… did anything happen?”

She laughed at how nervous he sounded. “Oh, no. Don’t worry, Rem. It’s just that I got this message from Alice that you were staying late at the center with a certain YouTube start slash documentary producer and was wondering how your night went. Guess it went well, then?”

“It went brilliant, Evans.” Sirius said before she could say anything else. “And we would love to have a pleasant morning as well, if you don’t mind”

“Aren’t shags supposed to get you in a good mood?” James asked laughing and ducked as Sirius threw a dishcloth at him. He and Remus were blushing violently. “Oh, you two didn’t…”

“That is none of your bloody business.” Sirius looked as if he would murder James if he sayed another word and Remus just wanted a hole to hide into.

“But I mean it now, how was your night?” Lily asked, really interested. Sirius and Remus looked at each other, as if trying to decide how much they wanted to share. Lily provided a cup of tea, milk and sugar for them as an incentive.

“Sirius took me to this Italian place close by. What is the name again? Trattoria Something?” He was terrible with italian words.

“La Trattoria Nascota?” James asked  “Wow, that is…” but he shutted when he looked at Sirius mortal glare at him.

“Yeah, that’s the name” Remus continued, trying to ignore the exchanges between the two friends “and we just stayed there for hours talking and getting to know each other, I guess. It got pretty late, so Sirius convinced me to stay here and here I am still.”

Lily and James exchanged glances. They knew they would have more luck latter, speaking privately with each one of the two love birds cuddling at the kitchen table. They looked so cute together.

The mood lightened a lot as they had breakfast. In James’ opinion, there isn’t much that a hot cup of tea can’t fix.

“So, do you two have plans for today?” asked James when he was sure Sirius wouldn’t try to kill him anymore “Me and Lily were thinking about going for a walk by the river in a while then have a picnic at the park or something.”

“I can’t.” Sirius quickly replied. Remus tried not to look bummed by how fast he let him go. Was this some kind of one night thing for him? “I have two videos due for that campaign Minnie setted me up with and another one for the channel. I’ll need to be in the studio all day finishing that up.” Well, maybe the man just needed to work.

“Why do you always pick saturdays to work everything you hadn’t done all weak?” James asked

“Because, my dear James, if I actually managed to finish everything during the weak, I wouldn’t need to do it on a saturday” He answered and then turned to Remus “I’m really sorry for that. I really have a lot to do today, but maybe we can see each other again tomorrow?”  _ Pretty please say yes, pretty please say yes. _

“Yeah, sure.” Remus replied with a smile.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus was looked surprised when he spotted him from across the street and laughed as Sirius spoon around like a little child over excited to go on a picnic. He clearly relaxed when Sirius greeted him with a peak on the lips. “Wanna go on an adventure?” He asked.
> 
> “What kind of an adventure?” Remus let Sirius take his hand and lead him down the street.
> 
> “Just one where we go somewhere beautiful and eat nice things.” He shrugged Remus suspicious away and kept walking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: some implied transphobia

“Thank you so much for watching, be sure to click the subscribe button and see you next week!”

Remus hugged his pillow closer to his chest and resisted the urge to check his phone yet again. He had been watching Sirius’ videos all day long and replaying the date they had, trying to figure out why Sirius hadn’t messaged him yet, as Sunday was coming to an end. The next video started and he couldn’t help but watch it. The first few seconds was a moving shoot of Sirius sitting by the edge of the roof of a building, the city looking grey and gloomy on the background. His black hair danced with the strong wind. Finally, he turned to face the camera, eyes almost closed and lips thinner than usual. He looked pained and Remus felt his heart dive. He wanted to enter the screen and hug him. The name of the poem appeared in a perfect composition: Who would have known.

The scene changed and Sirius started reciting as he walked through a narrow street, hands touching the red brick walls on each side. He wore a black leather jacket and some old jeans, looking too thin and too pale to be healthy. Every movement of his body seemed connected with his words, with the rhythms of the poem. After every couple of verses, the scenery would change, but you could almost miss the change, as he was erradiating the same strong energy in each frame.

_ Who would have known _

_ That they call it heartbreak _

_ Not as a metaphor _

_ But because there is an actual pain _

_ A strong ache _

_ Inside your chest. _

_ As if you can’t breath _

_ As if you heart may stop beating _

_ As if you are suddenly broken. _

_ I’ve never thought I would be the one left behind _

_ Even when I couldn’t believe in myself _

_ I believed in you _

_ And while I was broken _

_ And alone _

_ You were my light _

_ And I held on to you _

_ As one may hold to a float when they can’t swim _

_ And is not your fault I’m drowning _

_ But you did let me believe you could be my salvation _

_ But no one can save me _

_ No one but myself _

_ And it’s hard to believe I’ll do it without you _

_ But I’ve managed before _

By the time the poem finished, Sirius was back at the top of the building, as a reverse setting from the opening shot. He looked away and the camera moved back, opening the frame until Sirius was just as gray as any building on the back ground. It all finishes with his fancy signature showing on screen. Remus loved when the videos finished like that. He paused the autoplay and rolled to his back in bed trying to guess who Sirius would have written that for.

“I don’t think I’ve ever fallen in love. Not really, love poems, romantic movie in love” Sirius had said at some point during their date. “But I think I will, someday. I need to share all of this beautiful feeling with someone other than myself.”

Remus grunted. That was such a fuck boy move. But still, he just wanted to be that first “actually fallen in love” for Sirius. 

His phone vibrating took him out of his daydreaming. A message from Sirius. It was already too late for going out in a Sunday night, but maybe he had some explanation for disappearing all day.

**Sorry for ghosting on you all day. It has been a hard day for me, so I’ve been pretending I don’t exist so I don’t have to deal with myself. Hope you’ll find in your heart to forgive me**

Remus tried to understand what did that meant. “There are some bad days.” Sirius had said when Remus asked him how he dealt with doing all the thing he did at once: the YouTube channel, the documentary and all the work he actually got paid for doing. “When I have a busy week and have to be out and working and dealing with people for long, I just have to shut down. Sometimes I spend days in bed eating ice cream and watching cartoons. And sometimes… Sometime I find other ways to cope”. Remus had wanted to ask what that meant, but Sirius decided it was his turn to ask.

_ I have nothing to forgive you for. Hope you got to rest, It has been a busy week  _

He paused for a while before adding one more sentence.

_ And hope you can exist a little for us to meet again _

The reply came back almost instantly

**You are for sure a good reason to continue existing, Remus Lupin**

When Lily entered non announced, she found her friend smiling at the small screen. “Please tell me I didn’t spent all day watching Sirius videos” she asked, sitting in bad next to him and putting the laptop away.

“Fuck, Lily, can’t you knock?” He tried to look composed as he opened space for her. “And I didn’t. At least not all day, I had things to do for the master application…” to which Lily could only laugh.

“If you really want to get to Sirius, you need to make a move, you know? This ‘quiet guy, rescue me’ act is not gonna work with him, even if he does like you.” She said.

“I don’t have a ‘rescue me’ act. I’m not some old fashioned Disney princess, Lils.” He replied, a little bit offended, and continued before Lily could even start making her point. “We went on one date, two nights ago. I can’t just expect that guy to be all over me this fast. And the night we spent together was… I don’t know. It was good and intimate, but once we got home, I felt like he was holding back as we were together, you know? He wouldn’t even let me take his boxers off, which led to quite some mess if you ask me.”

Lily laughed. “One day you wouldn’t even tell me how it went and now you are giving me way too many graphic details about your sex life with Sirius, who is virtually James brother and my brother-in-law.”

Remus rolled his eyes. “As if you were not dying to know what happened that night.” Her silence was enough incentive for him to continue. “We had this great night. We did this thing where we would ask some quite personal questions to really get to know each other. And we really got into it. I told him about Greyback, so, you know, deep shit. Then we got back to his place and I thought it would end up with, you know. He said we didn’t have to do anything and I thought it was for me and the story I’d just told him, but  _ he _ didn’t want to do anything.”

“And  _ you _ did?” Lily eyed him with disbelief. Remus was not usually the type to have sex in a first date. Nor on the second, for that matter.

“Yes. Well, I don’t know if I would actually go through it all, but I wanted  _ something _ . He’s such a good kisser and we were in the complete dark in his room and his bed is just so comfortable… But he would almost flinch of me touching most of his body. So we just snogged and ended up cuddling in our boxers.” Remus had went through that night over and over again, analysing every detail to understand if he had done anything wrong. His phone vibrated again.

**Can I take you to lunch tomorrow?**

Lily knew exactly who it was by the silly smile in her friend face. 

_ I would love too. I’ll only be free at around 2pm, though. Is that ok? _

“So, it seems he does want to see you again. Hard to believe, not all men want to get on your pant only.” Said Lily nudging Remus lightly. “Sirius is a really nice guy, Remus. He’s got a lot of story, but don’t we all?”

Remus sighed. She was right. She normally was, anyway. He left his head fall to her shoulder and relaxed as she caressed his hair. Another vibration.

**No problem, I’ll be working from home, so just message me when you’re free**

He was glad that was settled. “But you didn’t come here and lured my mom into letting you come in unannounced just to pester me about my love life.” He said, closing his eyes with the gentle caress.

“You are right,” she laughed softly “but it is good to know all this. I came ‘cause I need your help with thinking something through. I’m thinking about asking James to move in with me.”

Remus opened his eyes and moved away to look at Lily, who was nervously biting her lip. “Are you sure you are ready for that?  You’ve been together for like a year or something, but moving in together… That’s kind of big.”

“I know, I know. It’s just… I think he is the one, you know? I even thought about marrying him!” She laughed at the absurdity of the idea. She and Remus had often talked about how absurd the cisheteronormative idea of marriage was, with all of its social rules and expectation that simply wouldn’t fit most relationships, and especially hardly ever fitted queer relationships. “Do you think it’s rushed? Am I asking for too much?”

“You are never asking for too much when you are asking to be loved and cared for. You are an amazing woman and deserves to be happy, Lily.”

She left the bed and went looking for her purse. She came back with an envelope on her hand and gave it to Remus, her eyes filling with tears she was trying to fight back.

Remus let her into bed and hugged her as he looked at the envelope. Fancy paper and cursive writing, it was a wedding invitation. Remus opened it. Lily’s sister, Petunia, was getting married a certain Vernon Dursley.

“Look who it is addressed to.” Her voice sounded choked as she was still trying not to cry. 

Lily’s dead name was written with big black letters. Remus threw the envelope as far away as he could and held Lily closer, she breaking into a quiet wep. 

“That’s not who you are, Lily. If Petunia cannot understand that, she doesn’t deserve to be close to you. It is  _ her _ loss. If she rather ignore the amazing sister she has!” Remus was so angry. Petunia had always been awful to Lily, preaching about “normal” and “proper” even before she came out as trans. She had seen to open up in the last couple of months, since Lily started dating James Potter, heir to one of the most prestigious Law firms in town. “Lils, is this why you want to move in with James?”

She sniffed and hid her face on Remus’s neck before being able to answer. “I have been thinking about it before, but now… It feels like I’m wasting my time, you know? Not being close to the people I love. Because those who do not love me keep moving forward. Keeping going over me…” She couldn’t talk anymore, sobbing loudly.

“James is an awesome guy and if you think you’re ready, I believe you. Your home will probably be the coziest place on earth and we’ll end up hanging out there anyway. And if he ever breaks your heart, let him know he’ll have me to answer to.”

“I… I love you, Rem” was all she managed to say

“I love you too, Lily. Very much.”

\--

_ Hey, just finished around here. Want me to met you somewhere? _

Sirius almost fell from his chair when his phone let out a loud ping, focused as he was at the computer screen in front of him. It was time to go. 

**Can you come walking in direction of my building? We’ll meet halfway**

He got up and went to the kitchen to make sure, for the hundredth time, everything was ready. Before taking the basket, he put on his favorite boots and jacket and went to look at the mirror. He felt weird and out of place, but changing would not help him, only make him late. So he left, strokes t-shirts and ripped jeans, carrying an oversized basket down the busy street.

Remus was looked surprised when he spotted him from across the street and laughed as Sirius spoon around like a little child over excited to go on a picnic. He clearly relaxed when Sirius greeted him with a peak on the lips. “Wanna go on an adventure?” He asked.

“What kind of an adventure?” Remus let Sirius take his hand and lead him down the street.

“Just one where we go somewhere beautiful and eat nice things.” He shrugged Remus suspicious away and kept walking.

They were heading for the park, as Remus expected once he seen the picnic basket. But instead of going to the most common place, the soft grass by the lake, they took a turn and soon were walking in between the trees in a hardly used trail.

Remus gasped loudly when they finally stopped. It was a small clearing with a small pond in the center. The whole place was covered with small colorful flower. Across from them, the flowers and stones made a small perfect circle.

“Is that a fairy circle?” He asked with excitement and let go of Sirius hand to go and examine it from up close. Even though it was clearly human made, with the round stones perfectly aligned, it looked as it had sitten there for years. The grass that was tall and wild in the whole clearing, was surprisingly short inside the circle and a small bunch of pink and white flower blossomed right in the middle. 

Sirius was smiling broadly when he kneeled near Remus to look closer at the strange formation. He felt a warm feeling in his stomach, like he was doing the right thing for the world to make Remus smile like that.

“I like to come walking through the park when I'm… When I'm not feeling well. I just came across the clearing one day and the sun was shining perfectly above the fairy circle. I think I probably interrupted some fairy ritual or something, but it didn't redeem me any worse luck than usual, so I guess I haven't pissed them off that bad.”

Remus looked closely at Sirius. Was this guy's for real? Had the really brought Remus for a picnic close to a fairy circle and were now talking about fairies and magic with the most seriousness? 

Sirius was taken by surprise and felt to his back with the intensity that Remus kissed him. He let himself melt under the soft pressure from Remus body over him, proud of himself for generating such reactions.

When they finally parted, both breathless and blushed, Remus looked shyly away and rolled out of Sirius. The black haired man inhaled deeply, trying to suppress the quiet voice inside telling him Remus wasn’t ready for him, he wouldn’t want to dive in the mess that Sirius was.

“So, you take me for a fairy guy?” Remus asked jokingly, turning to his side to get closer to Sirius again. He held Sirius right hand at his, caressing his tattooed wrist with his thumb. Sirius relaxed at  touch and moved slightly to get closer to Remus. 

“I wished you’d be.” He finally said with a soft voice. “At least we would have lunch in a beautiful place, I did not expect you to be this excited.”

“I love fairies” Remus said “every since I was a kid. Gnomes, trolls, all of those magic creatures of the forests. My mother actually illustrates children's stories and is always talking about all of those mythical creatures and I loved reading about them.”

“Your mother illustrates children’s books? That’s amazing!” Sirius eyes sparked with excitement. “I wanted to be an illustrator when I was a kid. That's why I choose to go for Design, actually. But then I started making videos and never got to stop.”

Remus looked so genuinely interested it was hard not to keep talking. Sirius would hardly ever talk about his dreams or his childhood, but with Remus he felt so safe. He began talking about the comic book he used to draw as kids with stories he and James created at late nights at the boarding school. And how he actually mailed then to some comic publishers and never got any answer. He got up in the middle of a sentence, makings Remus jump as well. 

“But we are not here to talk about the small and cute version of me!” He said with a smile. “I promised you lunch.”

He brought the basket closer and took out a checkered picnic tablecloth, placing it between them. One by one, with a proud look on his face, he took out the item for their lunch. A bottle of grape juice with two tall glasses, two big sandwiches, a couple of apples and a transparent bowl with something beautiful with chocolate. 

“That’s a lot.” Said Remus quietly. “You didn’t have to do all this…”

“Yes I did.” Sirius interrupted. “I mean, I wanted to. I wanted to do something nice for you.”

Remus blushed, but didn’t know how to reply to that. Before Sirius mind could drift out again, he started talking again. “Let’s eat, shall we?”

And everything was light and easy again. They ate their lunch talking about the activities happening at the center that week. 

“You know, some people came around since that first video you posted about the center saying they got to know us from watching your videos” Remus said after a while “and even Dumbledore is talking about you. You’re making quite a difference for us. I can’t hardly imagine what will happen when the documentary goes out.”

“It's great to make something for someone else for a change.” Sirius replied. “My channel is getting pretty big and I'm starting to get some offerings and all, I get sponsored sometimes, which is nice. But I feel like… It's all empty, you know? I'm only doing it for myself.” He kept a little smile on his lips, but his eyes were so sad. He fought back the tears. He wasn't going to start crying in front of Remus on their second proper date.

“Oh, Sirius, but you are making a difference. There are all those people seeing your videos and doing things for you and coming to see you live because they can relate to you. You are able to say things they can't, but wish they could.” He stopped for a while, looking as if he was trying to remember something.

“ _ I believed in you _

_ And while I was broken _

_ And alone _

_ You were my light _

_ And I held on to you _

_ As one may hold to a float when they can’t swim _

_ And is not your fault I’m drowning _

_ But you did let me believe you could be my salvation _

_ But no one can save me _

_ No one but myself _

_ And it’s hard to believe I’ll do it without you _

_ But I’ve managed before _

 

“I can't stop thinking about those lines” he finished.

Sirius looked at him as if petrified. He had seen people reciting his poetry before. There were lots of videos of different people, usually teenage girls, borrowing his words to build up their audience and convey their feelings. But listening to Remus share his feelings, his pain, it was… As if a new connection was born between them, something strong and inexplicable. He felt his heart racing. He was falling for Remus.

When Sirius came back to earth, he saw Remus blushing under his gaze.

“Sorry,” he said “I'm not used to listen to my own words spoken back to me. You have a good reciting voice.” Remus blushed even more, the red going till the tip of his ears.

Before they could say anything else, Remus phone rang loudly. “I'm sorry, I have to take this” he murmured before getting up to talk on the phone.

Sirius sighted and layed down at the soft grass. It was clear that Remus liked him. Or, at least, enjoyed his company. But he was falling so fast for the tall and skinny and adorable man. Sirius held back to not stare at him and kept his gaze up. The leaves in the tall trees shifted softly with the wind, the sky blue behind them. It was a beautiful day. How long would the weather hold? 

“I have to go back.” Remus voice took Sirius out of his daydreams “I have a meeting with this major potential donor in a couple of minutes.” He offered his hand to help Sirius get up. “It's a shame we can't stay longer.”

Once Sirius was on his feet, they were so close he could see the distinct pattern of freckles on Remus face. He had to hold himself not to kiss every single one of them. Instead, he gave a quick kiss on his lips. “Off we go then. Can I walk you back to the center?”

“Yeah. I would appreciate that. And maybe we could do this again soon?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this is my favorite chapter so far, with lots of falling in love


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When he finally got to the bar, he order 3 colorful drinks he had no idea what we're made of, but looked pretty. They were probably all sugary and way too alcoholic but, hey, you only live once. As he was waiting, he felt someone tapping on his shoulder. The person had bright pink hair, a nose piercing and red lipstick.   
> “Is he your boyfriend?” They asked, getting quite close to James and pointing to Sirius, who was dancing with his eyes closed with his hands in the air.  
> “No.” He knew he shouldn't, but couldn't stop himself from trying to figure it out if it was a guy or a gal asking. He thought if he should add that Sirius had a boyfriend, but he didn't really, did he?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: mentions of self harming

“Ground control to Sirius Black.”

Peter had been calling Sirius for a solid minute and he looked so absorbed in his on thoughts that nothing would be able to go through. Except, of course, a Bowie reference.

Sirius looked up to Peter, slowly coming out of his reverie. It was a Friday night and he was lazing around at the living room sofa, thinking about all and nothing at the same time. Well, to be honest, he was thinking about Remus and their relationship and what did he meant on that text again. He was drifting off again.

“Yeah, Pete, what do you want?” he finally said, more than a little moody. 

“I was wondering if you’d like to go out with us tonight. Some of the folks from the office are going to that night club you and James would go all the time. The Purple Lion or something.”

“The  _ Pink _ Lion.” Sirius corrected him, getting to a sitting position to think clearer. Peter was looking at him from the corner of the room, with his towel on his hand. He probably only thought about asking Sirius now, just before starting getting ready. Typical.

“Yeah, that. James is at his parents working in a case with Fleamont, so he’ll get ready there. Why on Earth does he still have clubbing clothes there is beyond me.” Peter laughed a little. James was a complete spoiled mommy’s boy.

“You know mom would never let him fully leave the house.” Sirius laughed with him. “I mean, she keeps his whole room fully equipped and clean to whenever he goes there and they live less than an hour away.”

They exchanged a meaningful look. Sirius was born in a family richer than the Potters and had all of his material desires fulfilled when he was a kid. But he never had the kind of love and care that Euphemia Potter gave her son - and Sirius when he ran away and was taken in by them. So James was definitely the spoiled little one who didn’t even know how to boil an egg until a couple of months into they living together. 

“So… you wanna come?” Insisted Peter. “James told me to not bother you cuz you had a busy week or something, but I thought it wouldn’t hurt asking...” He paused, suddenly looking a little nervous. “It’s been a while since we went out. Just the three of us, I mean. James is with Lily most of the time and now you have a boyfriend and...”

“I  _ don’t  _  have a boyfriend.” Sirius rushed in. “Remus is not my boyfriend.”  _ Yet _ .

“Ok, ok… didn’t mean to offend. It’s just… You two are together all the time now and… That doesn’t matter. I’m gonna be late if I don’t hit the shower. You coming?”

“Yeah, Pete. What wouldn’t I do for you?

“Well, for a starter…”

\--

Remus’ room was one of the coziest places in the world in Lily's opinion. She took of her shoes and opened Remus’ closet to look for a sweater as her friend layed in bed, trying to find something for them to watch. It was friend date night for them and they had everything ready: an enormous bowl of popcorn, a bottle of wine and a bag of chocolates. When she turned back, wearing the sweater she gave Remus for his last birthday, he was definitely not looking for a movie. He was too busy looking at his phone and blushing. Quickly, she took the phone from his hand to see what had such an effect on him. 

On the screen, Sirius was smiling at her, with a bottle of beer in a hand, his hair in a high ponytail and black eyeliner in his eyes. The image disappeared and another one appeared: he, James and Peter smiling for a selfie.

“You know, if you're gonna keep watching his stories on Instagram you could just, you know, message him.” She said, laughing and giving the phone back to Remus.

“I watch everyone's stories.” He replied trying - and failing - to not sound embarrassed.

“First of: no you don't. And second: there is nothing wrong with cyber stalking your crush. But you guys have been together long enough for you to be able to message him when you miss him.”

She signed for Remus to scout over and took the laptop from him. If he was not gonna pick the movie, she would.

“I'm not missing him.” He said. Lily just kept looking at him until he spilled the truth. “I don't wanna message him. I said I was going to spend the night with you and he is out. And he didn't tell me he would, so he didn't want to. If he wants to go clubbing looking ravishingly beautiful, what can I do?”

There was something in his voice. Was Remus jealous? 

“I mean, we never had  _ the talk _ , you know? And he's only out with his friends. You are not going all out just because James is at a club.”

Lily reached over to lightly touch Remus arm. “Remus, you're rumbling. Would you just tell me what's going on?” She already knew what's going on, but he needed to stop freaking and figure it out.

Remus took a deep breath and turned to face Lily. “I'm fucking falling for him, Lils. And I don't know what to do. Can I even do proper dating?”

She opened her arms to offer a hug, which Remus quickly accepted.

“Do you remember what you told me when I started going out with James?” He just nodded as an reply, but she would say it anyway. “You told me I deserved to be happy with someone that made me happy. And that if I wasn't honest with him and with myself, I would always hold him at arm's length. You give some really good advice, Remus. Maybe you should listen to yourself.”

“Maybe I will” he said after a short while “but not tonight. I only have eyes for one man tonight and his name is Fitzwilliam Darcy of Pemberley and Derbyshire.” He snapped the laptop from her lap to put on the movie.

Lily laughed and reached for the bottle of wine to start their festivities.

\--

“I'll go get the next round!” James shouted, but it was hopeless trying to be heard above the loud pop music, so he just signed to Peter - Sirius wouldn't even look at him when he was dancing - and left for the bar.

It was good to be out with the boys again. It was good to see Sirius out and enjoying himself. The last time he managed to get Sirius to any place that wasn't open and with only a handful of people was at least an year. 

When he finally got to the bar, he order 3 colorful drinks he had no idea what we're made of, but looked pretty. They were probably all sugary and way too alcoholic but, hey, you only live once. As he was waiting, he felt someone tapping on his shoulder. The person had bright pink hair, a nose piercing and red lipstick. 

“Is he your boyfriend?” They asked, getting quite close to James and pointing to Sirius, who was dancing with his eyes closed with his hands in the air.

“No.” He knew he shouldn't, but couldn't stop himself from trying to figure it out if it was a guy or a gal asking. He thought if he should add that Sirius had a boyfriend, but he didn't really, did he?

The person just smiled and left and at the same time the drinks were ready. James moved swiftly through the dance floor, balancing the three glasses and managing God knows how not to spill it on anyone. Well, at least no one complained. As he rejoined Sirius and Peter, the music suddenly changed for a slow sensual tune. He gave each of his friends a glass and they toasted, relaxing into the beat. Peter, who had been enjoying himself with the upbeat fast music's where he could just wiggle around, was suddenly feeling a bit awkward but Sirius was in his zone. It was as if every bit of his body moved with a purpose. A movement that would start in his hand traveled through his body to his hip, than his legs would follow. 

James remembered that day when they were 16, the first time they kissed. They were the only ones at their dormitory that night as they had both decided on not going to the school trip. Sirius had brought his Record Player to school that year, but the other boys hated most of Sirius music, so he almost never had a chance to play it. So there he was, wearing only his pajama pants, dancing all over the room and singing out loud to Space Oddity. Out of the blue, he took James from his bed and held his hands, making him dance with him. As James showed absolutely no aptitude for the thing, Sirius put his hands on James hips to make him move and suddenly James felt his heart beating way too fast. He blushed when Sirius looked him in the eyes and as the music faded, they were kissing. He never knew who started it.

He had forgave his 16 year old self filled with hormones and with no idea as to what a relationship should be like. And Sirius was beautiful. James was definitely not attracted to him, but it didn't mean he was blind. Peter nudged him on the ribs and discreetly pointed at someone behind Sirius. James wasn't the only one watching him.

“What do you think he'll do?” James was able to mouth read what Peter was saying. He shrugged. He had no idea, but he didn't think it'll end up any good.

\--

“I'm gonna call him”

James grabbed the phone from Sirius hands.

“It's 3 in the fucking morning, you are drunk and a wreck. You're not even allowed to call Mom and that woman loves you more than anything in the world.”

James was tired. The night had been a disaster. After 2 other drinks and a shot, Sirius had disappeared with Miles - that was their name - and came back way latter all giggles with his hair down. They danced together for a while, way too close and too sensual, and exchanged a couple of kisses. All of sudden, Sirius pushed the pink haired and went after James. “I need to get out” he said, quiet desperation on his voice. James hardly had time to get Peter before Sirius pulled him out of the club and into the first cab he saw.

Sirius was clearly holding back tears and James waited until they got home to finally ask him what the fuck was going on.

Sirius came crumbling down in a drunk ramble and started crying, saying things like “I'm total trash” and “How do I even expect Remus to like me?”. Peter had no idea what to do other than bring a glass of water. It took Sirius a long time to drink it and calm down as James held him and the three of them sitted at the sofa.

Then Sirius busted with his phone on hand and James had to intervene.

“Look, Sirius, there is nothing you can do about it now, ok?” He wanted to get closer to Sirius, but wasn't sure how he would react. “Remus doesn't even know what happened.”

“And you two aren't boyfriends, right?” Offered Peter, still at the sofa. He always got scared when Sirius was like this. “You said so yourself. If there wasn't a contract, then you shouldn't be so hard on yourself” 

A look from James made Peter shut. Sirius began crying again, quietly now.

“And how am I supposed to make him trust me? The only night I go out I can't keep it in my pants for a couple of hours.” He was shaking a little.

James needed to do something. He stepped closer and opened his arms in an offer. Sirius hugged him tightly, sobbing in his chest.

“I fucked Miles in the fucking toilet” his voice was so low James could hardly hear him “and I couldn't with Remus. He slept in my bed and he wanted, and I wanted and I couldn't. Why am I like these, James? Why do I break every beautiful thing I touch?”

James caress his back slowly to try and calm him. “You care about Remus, Sirius. A lot. That's why it's harder with him than with what's-their-name. You didn't break anything, you two are building something, there is time.”

“I'm trash. I'm worse than trash. I don't even…”

“No, Sirius, you are not. You just drank too much and made some bad decisions. You just need a shower and a good night of sleep. Things will be better tomorrow.”

As if guessing, Peter was by them with a glass filled with water again. “The future Sirius will thank you if you drink lots of water” he said.

Sirius let go of James and took the glass, his hands shaking a bit. The three of them waited in silence as Sirius drank. He seemed a little better. “I'll go for that shower. Thank you, you both. I don't know what I've done to deserve the two of you.”

James hugged Sirius again before letting him go. He knew Sirius still felt terrible, but he needed to let his friend, his brother, deal with his own pain.

The door for the bathroom closed. “Do you think he'll be fine?” Peter asked.

“I hope so, Pete. He had gone through worse.”

“That doesn't make it any easier.”

James shrugged. Peter was right, but he didn't want to admit. They said their good night's and went to their rooms. Peter would be out and snoring in a few minutes, but James knew he wouldn't be able to do the same.

He took off his closes and laid in his bed staring at the ceiling. His room was the closest to the bathroom and he could hear Sirius move around restlessly. Knowing too well he wouldn't be able to sleep, he grabbed his phone as Sirius turned in the showers. Lily smiled at him from the background picture and he couldn't help but smile back. He was so lucky to be with her.

The picture was from a couple of months ago from the trip they took to celebrate their anniversary. It was a bright day by the beach and the wind made her dress move around her knees. She was laughing when he took the photo, as the wind almost carried away her exaggerated sun hat. James loved her laughed. It took her hole face and her eyes would always sparkle. He opened the message app.

_ Got home a while ago. Thinking about you. Love you more than anything. _

She most certainly already sleeping, not being one for late nights. He opened the photos and started looking through the album about him and Lily, thinking about their story and everything they went through together. 

Lily was an intern at Euphemia's architecture firm. James had heard about her a lot before he first met her and he was not prepared. He would hardly ever go to Euphemia's office, but she had forgotten lunch and he was trying to get in her good side again after a party he threw got a  _ little  _ out of hand. He buzzed the intercom and smiled at the camera, not really sure if people would recognize him. The door open with a soft click and he was welcomed by a radiant smile.

Lily was beautiful. Her red curls were in a loose bun but a single lock felt down her face. She was wearing a little makeup, enough to make her green eyes pop and her lips look pink and inviting. He went through his hair with his hand, suddenly too nervous to know how to speak. She acted as if she wouldn't notice.

“Hello, I'm Lily!” She said offering her hand for a shake. It took James way more than reasonable to accept it and shake back “You're James, right?” to which he just nodded “Euphemia said you'd be coming and you look just like her! It's a pleasure to meet you.”

“It's a pleasure to meet you two.” How he managed to get words to form was beyond him. “Is my mom at her office?” He felt just as awkward as he sounded. 

Lily nodded and smiled again, signaling James to follow her. She was wearing a loose pink blouse and some high-waist skinny jeans with black heels, which made her way taller.  _ And her ass is fabulous _ he thought before he could censor himself. 

James was brought back to present time by the sound of the bathroom door closing. Sirius should be going to bed. Should he go check on him? He was so upset with himself earlier. It was unusual for Sirius to crumble in front of people, even when it was just the three of them. It was really intense. Well, better be safe than sorry. 

He threw on his robes, the ones his mom had embroidered with his initials and gave a similar one to Peter and Sirius when they moved in. Quietly, he knocked on Sirius door. “Hey, mate. You ok?” He asked, but had no reply. Slowly, he opened the door, knocking again.

Sirius was sitting at the edge of the bad, hair still dripping in his shirt. He had his headphones on, which was probably the reason he hadn't heard James calling. He was crying as he looked at his hands. James eyes followed Sirius gaze and he immediately felt his heart sink. 

Sirius had 3 cuts on this left arm dripping blood. “Fuck” said James before he could help himself.

Sirius eyes went wild as he looked at James and he held his arm to his chest, hiding the cuts away from James. “What are you doing here?” He said shaking the headphone out of his ears. “Can you go away?” He went for angry, but only sounded hurt. 

James walked to Sirius side, wondering if he should touch Sirius or get any closer. Sirius eyes were red and swollen. He looked up at his brother, holding his hurt arm closer to himself.

“Did you mean to…?” James couldn't put words to it, he wasn't sure if he would manage to go through it again.

“No. I was just… They are not deep enough.” Sirius voice was no more than a whisper.

James had to do something. He looked around the room and found a scarf on the top of the pile of clothing at the chair. He got closer to Sirius again. “Can I…” as a response, Sirius let the grip on his arm loose as James reached for it. He couldn't stop himself from looking at the cuts and the other scars on Sirius wirst. He tied the scarf around it and finally managed to look back at Sirius. The pale man looked… embarrassed? James couldn't quite read him.

“I thought you had stopped with this.” He managed after a while, holding Sirius left hand at his. “Do you… do you think you are safe?” He wanted to ask if Sirius would hurt himself more. If he would try and… Even thinking about it was too much.

Sirius looked away from him. “I'll be fine. I just… I relapsed. This is hard, you know? It's like… It's like an addiction. Sometimes, when everything hurts this much, I can't help myself.” He took a deep breath, than moved his hands away from James’. “But I'm fine. You don't have to worry. It won't be like that time, ok?”

“Sirius, this is not what 'fine’ looks like.” James said trying to sound as calm and soothing as he could. He moved a little closer to Sirius. “It's ok to ask for help. You don't have to go through it alone. I'm here. I'll always be here”

Sirius was crying again, tears coming down his pale cheeks. When he was like this, Sirius liked to be left alone, but James just couldn't let him go. He was too scared.

“You don't need to talk about it if you don't want to.” He added “You should rest for now. I'll bring the mattress over so I can be here for you, ok?”

“No.” Sirius voice was so low James had to make and effort to understand him. “Would you… would you sleep with me? Just tonight?”

“Of course, Sirius. Of course I will. Let's just get you into something clean, ok?”

Sirius would move just like a puppet as he let James take his shirt off, put on some clean ones and dry his hair with a towel. He layed in bed and let James bring the duvet over them. He only seemed to relax a little when James wrapped his arms around his waist, bringing Sirius close to his chest. James took slow, deep breaths, getting Sirius to breath with him. “You're gonna be alright” he whispered “I promise”

James didn't know how to deal with the situation. It wasn't the first time Sirius had had a crisis, but it was the first time he saw his best friend, his brother, hurting himself. He knew he used to do it, you can't miss the signs when you are as close as they were, but Sirius hardly ever would talk about how he felt. When they started University, Sirius started going to this on campus treatment and even went to a support group. He seemed to be fine for a while, but had stopped with any kind of treatment in the last couple of months. “I can't live my life just following these rules and trying to fall into what 'normalcy’ is supposed to be” he had said at time “I'll be fine, but I'll be on my own terms.”

James didn't want to confront him about it them, but maybe now. 

“I'm sorry you had to see this.” Sirius voice surprised James, who thought the other was already sleeping.

“You don't have to apologise.” Replied James “I'm always here for you, through good or bad.”

“I really fucked up your night. I didn't mean to. I don't think I should go out like this anymore. It's really hard to control myself and then… Then I always feel like trash.” Sirius tried not to start crying again focusing on following James breathing pattern. “My mind can go to some deep dark places and I just… I feel like I have to do something before the pain eats me away.”

James held him closer, not knowing what else to do. It was so unfair that Sirius should feel like this, that he had that much pain in him.

“I always think it'll be the last time. That next time I'll be stronger and won't fall back to this. But I fail every time. It's easier to do this than to face my feelings.”

Sirius was talking to himself way more than to James. But he would listen. He would listen to everything Sirius had to say.

“Sometimes, I don't know how much longer I'll be able to keep it together. Thanks for being with me.”

“I'll be here for you everytime. Every single time.” James was trying hard no to start crying. “Thank you for telling me this. For letting me in.”

They fell into silence for a while, James caressing Sirius’ hair.

“James?” He said after a couple of minutes. James was about to drift off into sleep.

“Yeah?”

“I love you.”

“I love you too, Sirius. I love you too.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was an intimate and exciting moment. Remus look at Sirius face, trying to get what he was feeling in the low light. He could feel Sirius short breaths and how he moved a little bit closer, his arm moving to pull Remus in. With his lips just a centimeter away from Sirius, their noses touching and eyes closed, he stopped. “If you want me to stop with anything, tell me, ok?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: mentions of past self harm and abuse, a little sexual action, nothing too explicit

Remus had rehearsed the conversation on his mind at least 50 times by the time he reached Sirius’ apartment. James and Peter were out and Sirius had invited him over for dinner. “It's your chance” Lily had said. And Remus had decided to make it happen.

He would go through dinner talking about all and nothing and by dessert he would tell Sirius how he felt and ask him to be his boyfriend. He took deep breaths before knocking on the door. Sirius opened before he could knock a second time with a soft smile on his lips.

God, he was beautiful. His hair was pulled in a ponytail and he had that clean look of a recently shaven beard. He was wearing some tight fitting button down shirt, the sleeves folded till his elbow and two buttons opened. He asked himself how was that even happening to him and forced him not to pinch himself. It wasn't a dream. 

“Hey, handsome.” Sirius said before going for a quick kick and letting Remus in.

“I brought wine.” He said, offering the bag for Sirius. He opened it with a delighted look on his face, holding the bottle with one hand and the other going for Remus’, leading him to the kitchen.

“It'll go perfectly with dinner!” He said after analysing the bottle. “I got a little late, so just sit there and relax, I'll open the wine.”

Remus did as he was told and watched as Sirius moved swiftly through the kitchen. Soon he had a glass of wine in hands and everything felt so familiar. The smell was fantastic.

“So, what's the menu for tonight?” He asked as Sirius stirred the contents of a particularly good scented pot.

“We have bruschetta for starter. Fresh pasta with creamy chicken for the main course, than a chocolate mousse for dessert.” He said, proud of himself, than turned off the stove. “Well, everything is ready. Let's go to the living room ?”

Remus offered to help, but Sirius just sent him away from the kitchen. The table on the living room had been arranged for two, with a small flower in the middle. Sirius came bringing a plate with two different kinds of bruschettas. 

“The ones in the middle have shitake mushroom and grana padano cheese, and the others have tomatoes and parmesan.”

They were both delicious and were over way too soon, as they talked about how their weeks had been. They hadn't seen each other in over a week, with Sirius busy producing a music video for some indie band and Remus finishing his master application. To be honest, it felt a little as if Sirius was avoiding Remus. But now they were there, together, with Sirius’ bare feet touching Remus’ leg under the table and making him blush. He wonder if he would ever learn to be close to Sirius and not feel so nervous all the time. He hoped not.

By the time they started the main course, Remus was feeling a little tipsy from the wine and Sirius’ words. The pale man was describing the video he was producing, quite a poetic piece. 

“Enough talking about me.” He said as he brought the two plates from the kitchen. They smelled so good. “Lily and James are going to move in together.”

Remus had completely forgotten about that. Lily told him she had mastered the courage to ask James to move in with her the previous Sunday. He said yes before she could even finish the sentence.

“It's only fair,” Sirius continued as he put the plates on the table and went to sit “They sleep at each other more often than not. I think I see Lily more than Peter and he actually pays rent.”

Remus was listening, but couldn't look up from the beautiful dish in front of him. It looked so perfect. Sirius laughed at him.

“We should eat, them.”

Remus looked at Sirius and saw him wink before going for a piece of chicken with his fork. Remus had to stop to savour everything when he had a fork full of pasta to his mouth. It tasted even better than he had imagined. Sirius was definitely spoiling him with all that fancy food and romantic dates.

“Do you like it?” Sirius asked with a smile, but a hint of nervousness.

“It's delicious. I think I've never had a better pasta my whole life.” Remus said. It was true.

Sirius laughed as a reply, a loud laugh that sounded almost like a bark. Remus loved to see Sirius like that, all easy and relaxed.

“This thing with James and Lily” Sirius said after a while of contempt eating “got me thinking.”

“Thinking about what?” Remus asked as Sirius seemed a little reticent. Something in his stomach made a turn and he had to go for a sip of wine. What could Sirius want?

“Thinking about us, mainly.” He finally said. “And about relationships in general.” He reached for Remus hand over the table, but couldn't look him in the eyes. “Last weekend we went out, Peter, James and me. And I got together with someone.”

Remus felt his heart miss a beat. Was Sirius going to break up with him?

“Sirius, I…”

But Sirius interrupted him, looking up to his eyes. “It didn't mean anything. I was drunk and horny and I tend to do stupid things when I'm both of those things.” He was speaking way to fast and Remus didn't know how to feel, how to react. Why was Sirius telling him this? And what had happened between him and this person? He hated to feel jealous. “I know we never discussed this. Us. And the boundaries we should have. But I felt so bad after it I didn't know what to do.” He let go of Remus hand and averted his eyes. “I thought you should know about it.”

“Sirius, I don't mind. We never said we were going to be exclusive, right?”  _ But I wished we would be. _

“You don't have to lie to me, Remus. Does this make you not want to be with me anymore?”

“No! That's  _ not _ what's going on!” Remus’ voice sounded too eager at his own ears “I'm just… I'm a little jealous.” He reached for Sirius, cupping his cheek and making him look up. That's it, that was his cue. He had to say it. “I really want to be with you, Sirius. Really. I'm falling for you and… We should go for this, make this official. Would you like to be my boyfriend?”

Sirius didn't respond at first. He stayed there, looking at Remus, petrified. “You… You really want to? With me?”

Remus smiled and took both is Sirius hands at his.

“Yes, I do. I know we haven't been going out for long and you don't really know me that well, but I thought we could try it anyway.”

“I'm not… I'm not really good at this relationship thing. I had never actually managed to, without making it all wrong in one way or another;”

That awful feeling on Remus stomach returned. He let go of Sirius hands, dropping his gaze down. But then Sirius was by his side, pulling him up to hug him.

“I want to, Remus. I want to try it. I want you to be my boyfriend and I want to try and be good. For you. I want to be with you.” He whispered in Remus’ ear and everything inside him moved. He looked Sirius in the eyes. The shorter man looked nervous and about to cry and all Remus could think of doing as kissing him, so he did.

It was intense and eager and everything Remus had wanted. When that finally parted, Sirius was giggling. Remus couldn't help but follow. He felt so happy.

“I guess we should go and finish that before it gets cold.” Sirius managed to say between giggles.

“I guess we should.” Remus said and went for a little kiss on the corner of Sirius mouth before letting him go.

They didn't speak much through the rest of dinner, but it was a good silence, filled with meaningful looks, little touches and soft laughter. 

When Sirius go up to take the empty plates for the kitchen, Remus followed him, as if the thought of being separated even for a minute was too much. He hugged Sirius from behind and kissed the back of his neck, almost causing Sirius to drop the plates at the sink. The smaller man shivered at his touch and turned back after carefully putting everything down.

They were so close Remus could see every detail of Sirius beautiful grey eyes with long lashes. He licked his lips nervously and before he knew they were kissing again.

The kiss was… Different. There was some eagerness in Sirius that Remus had never seen before as the black haired man explored Remus body with his hands. He kissed back with the same will, letting himself melt into that moment. He started kissing Sirius’ jaw and neck.

“Remus…”

Listening to Sirius moan his name gave Remus feelings he wished he would never stop having.

Sirius hand stopped and he pushed Remus slightly. Was that too much? Did Sirius want to stop?

“Wait.” He said still breathless “Dessert. Do you want it? It's really good and…”

“I'd rather have you for dessert.” Remus interrupted before he could think.

Sirius blushed and bitted his lips nervously, makings Remus instantly regret what he said.

“We don't have to,” he added quickly “we don't have to do anything you don't want to.”

“No.” Sirius replied. “I want to.” He leaned in Remus ear. “I want you to have me.”

Fuck. He was so damn sexy. Sirius pushed back, looking nervous again.

“It's just that I… I have some things with my body and places I can't be touched.”

Remus didn’t know how to respond. For the longest time, he couldn’t have people touching him, after everything he went through. What had happened with Sirius?

“It's just that…” Sirius continued, after a moment of silence. “I have a complicated relationship with my body.” He was struggling to find the right words “I want this, but it may be a little difficult. I may not want it anymore in the middle of it.”

Remus gave a little kiss on Sirius forehead. He still had some untouchable places himself. “We can take it slow, ok?” Sirius nodded and went for a quick kiss.

“Well, even if I am, in fact, delicious, you shouldn't be having me at the kitchen.” He said with a smirk, grabbing Remus hand and leading him to his room. 

Before they started anything, Sirius turned on the Bluetooth speaker and a soft Indie rock started playing. “For when the boys get home” he said “and we can be a little louder.”

“Do you want me to turn off the lights?” Remus offered.

“I'll do it. Do you want to get in bed?” Sirius replayed. He didn't need to ask a second time.

Remus kicked off his shoes and went to lie down on Sirius’ comfortable bed. With the lights out and the music playing, Remus felt like he was living a magical moment in a parallel universe. Nothing else actually existed outside of that room.

As his eyes adjusted to the low light, he saw Sirius taking off his shirt and moving closer to bed, as if trying to figure out what to do. Remus offered a hand and pulled him over himself, feeling the pressure is Sirius body and the heat from his skin. With light touches, he explored the bare skin of Sirius back, amazed by all the little reaction he caused.

“Do you want to tell me where I shouldn't touch you?” He asked with a soft voice

“Yeah” Sirius rolled over so they were both on their sides and grabbed Remus hand. “I'll show you where to touch, ok?”

He started guiding Remus hand through his body. He started at his neck and moved down slowly. He moved Remus’ hand to his chest, than his sides and his back, missing the side of his hip. He continued to his butt and stopped, to which Remus replied with a squeeze and a peak in his lips. He continued further down to the back is his leg, until he couldn't reach down anymore without shifting. He went up through the front of his thigh, but stopped at the middle, signaling his upper thigh as a forbidden place. Than he placed Remus hand at his crotch. Remus was a little surprised to see how hard it was from only that little touches.

Before he could go any further, Sirius started moving his hand again upward, then through his arm, but down to the elbow, his whole forearm being off limits. To finish it, Sirius brought Remus hand to his lips and kissed his fingers and his palm.

It was an intimate and exciting moment. Remus look at Sirius face, trying to get what he was feeling in the low light. He could feel Sirius short breaths and how he moved a little bit closer, his arm moving to pull Remus in. With his lips just a centimeter away from Sirius, their noses touching and eyes closed, he stopped. “If you want me to stop with anything, tell me, ok?”

As a reply, Sirius kissed him.

\--

Sirius woke up feeling the sun heat him. He was so focused on Remus the night before he had completely forgotten to close the damn curtains. Slowly, he open his eyes, dreading the luminosity. Remus was still deep asleep, snoring lightly with his mouth slightly opened. He looked so cute Sirius wanted to just start kissing him again, but didn't want to wake him up.

Moving slowly, he got out of Remus embrace and out off bad. It was quite a vision the man naked on his bed, the sheets making a terrible work on covering him up. Sirius kept staring as his eyes adjusted to the fact he was indeed awake. Remus torso was covered with scars of different sizes. Sirius gasped as he realize why they were there and what Remus had went through with the man that abused him. Sirius wondered how did he managed to survive that. He knew he wouldn't. The biggest one crossed from his collarbone to his nipple, a sharp diagonal on his chest. Sirius felt a lump forming on his chest.

“Mornin’, beautiful.”

Remus’ sleepy voice brought Sirius back to reality realizing his own nakedness in the light. He blushed feeling Remus gaze upon him and quickly turned to close off the blackout, putting the room back in shadows.

“You don't have to hide from me,” Remus said “I've learned to find scars quite beautiful. Come back to bed?”

Sirius did, laying his head in Remus chest and letting him hug him close. “Do you want to tell me how you got yours?” Remus asked.

“It's quite obvious, isn't it?” Sirius replied, glad he didn't have to have this conversation looking at Remus. “Self hate sometimes find some physical ways to come out.”

“I'm sorry it's so hard for you.” Remus’ voice was soft and Sirius could hear it resonate inside the taller man's chest. It was comforting.

“I can't imagine how it is for you,” Sirius replied “having to see all of this reminders on your body.”

“I can't tell you it's easy. But it does get better. I try and think of them as signs of survival, not of weakness. But I can't normally show them to people.”

Sirius moved so he could look at Remus. If the other man was going to be brave and open up, so would he.

“I feel comfortable with you, though.” Remus added.

“I normally don't let people that I care about see me like this. Only James had seen my scars and even he hadn't seen all of this. He would totally freak… That's why it's harder for me to get physical with someone I actually care.” He kissed Remus softly to prove his point. “I haven't been in a proper relationship since… Well, I have never been in a proper relationship.” He admitted.

“Well, I guess we can both try this new thing together.” Remus said. “But maybe we could go back and sleep a little more?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really like this chapter. Is cozy and intimate and it opens some doors to their relaitonship. Sorry it's taking so long to update!


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Hello, Gorgeous!” Sirius replied with his most charming smile, all anxiety buried deep down in his stomach. “Glad to find you here.”  
> “You weren’t lost, were you?” Remus asked, eyeing Sirius suspiciously as the smaller man offered to carry some of the bags, but waited for Remus to lead the way.  
> “Moi?” Sirius faked an offended look. “Sirius Black is never lost, Remus Lupin. I am just intentionally not where I’m supposed to be.”  
> Remus couldn’t help but laugh and Sirius felt the hardness at his chest ease a little. It felt so good to be close to Remus. They only walked two more buildings.

_ Shit. Shit. Shit shit shit. _

Sirius tried, with no luck, to turn his phone on again. He was on Remus’ street, but had no battery and couldn’t remember the number of his building for his life. He was supposed to go to Remus’ place for the first time as his parents were out of town but now he was just lost in a part of town he had never been to. Why haven't he just written the address in a piece of paper like a normal person or just memorized it? He could be so fucking useless sometimes.

Remus had told him to get down from the bus and turn left at the pub, so it should be somewhere at that block, but where? The street was poorly lit and Sirius could feel the anxiety starting to build up in his stomach.  _ Breath, Sirius. You can do this _ . He adjusted his jacket and stood a little taller, hoping his stand would make him feel braver than his guts were. But his heart would not beat any slower as he kept walking down the street, trying to figure out which building could be the one Remus’ lived in, but all looked the same and…

“Sirius!”

He was so relieved to hear Remus voice from behind him that he wasn’t even startled by it. 

“You are early.” Said the taller man as he approached carrying some bags. “I’m just coming back from the grocery store to prepare everything for tonight.”

“Hello, Gorgeous!” Sirius replied with his most charming smile, all anxiety buried deep down in his stomach. “Glad to find you here.”

“You weren’t lost, were you?” Remus asked, eyeing Sirius suspiciously as the smaller man offered to carry some of the bags, but waited for Remus to lead the way.

“ _ Moi _ ?” Sirius faked an offended look. “Sirius Black is never lost, Remus Lupin. I am just intentionally not where I’m supposed to be.”

Remus couldn’t help but laugh and Sirius felt the hardness at his chest ease a little. It felt so good to be close to Remus. They only walked two more buildings.

The Lupin’s apartment was small but comfortable and every little detail seamed in the perfect place to be called home. Sirius felt a little embarrassed entering the place, like he was going into some sacred place he didn't belong to. Remus smiled at him and squeezed his fingers lightly as they walked through the small corridor, telling him things were going to be alright.

They went to the kitchen and Sirius helped Remus put away the groceries. Remus had insisted on them going to his house and him cooking. Most of their dates had been Sirius’ choices and as Sirius’ place was so close to the Center, Remus stayed there many nights. Also, he still lived with his parents. Not that they would have cared - at least they wouldn’t have said anything - but it would be so completely different from the freedom they had of Sirius’ apartment that Remus felt kind of embarrassed. And he lived across town.

So standing in the surprisingly spacious kitchen watching his boyfriend pick ingredients, Sirius felt like he was entering Remus’ world.

“Can I help you with anything?” He asked, reaching for onions, only earning himself a slap on his hand.

“You are not touching anything in my kitchen, Sirius.” Remus said with a kind but serious tone to his voice. Sirius new better than to challenge him. “Unless you wanna grab me a beer, that's something you can touch.”

Watching Remus make dinner for them was hypnotic. Sirius busied himself putting on some music and washing every dish Remus used as soon as he putted it away so he could resist the urge to actually help with the cooking. Remus was kind of clumsy and almost left things drop to the floor a couple of times. He missed his own hand when pouring down boiling water for millimeters and Sirius almost prohibited him from getting close to any dangerous things.

“So, how was things with the new therapist?” Remus asked as they finally sitted down to eat. 

Sirius took a lot longer to chew and swallow his bite of chicken than was reasonable, trying to think of a good answer for that. After the incident with James, his friend had made him look for an psychiatrist or “I will tell Mom, I swear, and she  _ will _ drag your ass there”. He had came out of the office with a prescription and a recommendation for a therapist. He just had his first appointment the day before.

“It was… Weird?” He finally found his words, looking for Remus hands over the table to give himself courage. “Talk about feelings, revisit some traumas. I actually hate it, but I understand where it comes from.”

“It gets better.” Remus voice was soothing and he rubbed Sirius knuckles softly. “It gets easier with time to take it all out. You'll see.”

Sirius shifted uncomfortably in his chair, eager to change subjects.

“Talking about feelings” he added “I still need your take for the documentary. Well, yours and Dumbledore's. I want to start editing it soon and I need to get the men behind the story.”

Remus blushed, which made Sirius smile, as usual. “I think we can do it this week. Dumbledore will be down at the center on Thursday for some events and meetings and I think you can meet with him then. But I don't know what I would say. I've seen some of the stories people have shared with you and they are so beautiful and powerful and I'm just… there?”

“You know that is not true.” Sirius replied. It was so hard to get through Remus some times. “And there is a script, you know? I'll help you think of things and talk. You have been working there for like 5 years? That’s a good story by itself.”

“7 years.” Remus corrected. “I started volunteering there when I was 16.”

“You just proved my point.” To end the discussion, Sirius put a fork full of food in his mouth. Remus laughed and also returned to his food.

It felt so good to be just the two of them, homemade food, conversation about life and love. And Remus felt so at ease on his own little world that Sirius couldn't let himself stress.

“I bought ice cream!” Remus announced as he got up to take the plates back to the kitchen, the happy feeling of a full stomach radiating through Sirius and leaving behind all unpleasant thoughts. “Maybe we can watch some movie upstairs and have it as desert? I couldn’t think of anything sweet I could actually cook...”

“Ice cream, movies and cuddles sounds perfect.” Sirius declared, following his boyfriend to the kitchen. He looked perfect, his sleeves folded to his elbows as he washed the dishes, his hair a little messy and he hummed to himself this tune Sirius had never heard before. He couldn't help himself but hug him from behind and place a gentle kiss on the back of his neck. Remus leaned in closer to his boyfriend, trying not to defocus from the plate in his hands.

“This is good” he said softly “I like having you here.”

“I liking being here.” Sirius replied nibbling at his ear “I like being with you.”  _ I love you _ he only thought of adding, but couldn't bring himself too.

“Ok, I'm done here. I want you, chocolate ice cream and some movie that will blow my mind.”

\--

Having Sirius on his bed was exciting, calming and nerve-racking all at the same time. After ice cream was had, Sirius had asked if he wanted to get more comfortable, so there they were, lounging on their boxers, cuddling and watching a French movie Sirius had picked up and, to be honest, Remus was only half understanding. But everything felt perfect as he moved a little closer to Sirius, feeling his steady breathing. 

How had they ended up here, in his room, watching French movies without a single worry in the world? It was only a couple of weeks since they meet but it felt like they knew each other forever. The absurdly romantic dates, the profund talks and familiarity of it all. It just seemed as it was meant to be. Remus had to admit he was a little scared things were going a bit too fast. Sirius already knew all those things about him and he knew so much about Sirius. Not that he regretted. But… Was it actually what they wanted? Diving in so fast into each other's lives? And with the documentary and all the were together for so long. And they hadn't even discussed the ground rules for everything.

“Remus?” Sirius voice brought Remus back to reality “Are you still paying attention?”

“No,” he admitted “not really.”

“Maybe we should stop this, then.” Sirius said stopping the movie and putting the laptop away. He turned back and nuzzled closer to Remus, rubbing their noses together. “Do you think we are going to fast?”

Was Sirius reading his mind? “I don't know. But I've been thinking about it. What do you think?” He had no answers and could only throw the ball back at Sirius.

“I think so, but I also kind of don't care?” He gave Remus a soft kiss. “It’s really good being with you. I think… I think I may be falling for you?”

Remus felt his heart skip a beat. He couldn't breath, couldn't swallow, he couldn't avert his gaze from Sirius’ grey eyes.

“Sirius, I…” he tried to force his body to properly respond. “Sirius, I love you. And I know it's soon and too fast and…”

But before he could finish his sentence, Sirius’ mouth was over his, kissing him eagerly. He responded pulling him closer, their chests flushed against each other, so close it was possible to feel the heartbeat. Remus moaned as Sirius kisses went from his mouth to his jaw and stopped right at the sweet spot below his ear. “I love you too, Remus Lupin.” He whispered and Remus felt like if there ever were a good moment to die, there was his. He went back to kissing Sirius, resolute to make everything in his power to make this moment infinite.

But the world, as usual, was not keen to give Remus the infinite moments he wanted. A knock on the door came later, as Sirius was in a much more compromising position. They hardly had time to put themselves together before Hope Lupin's head popped into the door.

“Hey, hon, are you… oh.” She stopped as her eyes landed on the men and their flustered faces. “You have company.”

“Mom!” Remus said, between shocked and embarrassed. His parents were not supposed to be home until the next day. “What are you doing here?”

“Your father weren't feeling well, he insisted we headed back today.” She said, with a soft voice, the same tone Remus used when trying to ease a situation. “And this is…?”

“I'm Sirius Black, Mrs. Lupin.” Sirius said, trying to cover himself as well as he could with the sheets.

“He's my boyfriend.” Remus added bravely.

“Oh. I see. Well, I'll leave you boys to it. We'll talk in the morning. Good night, honey. Good night, Sirius.” She said and quickly closed the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remus simple cannot get it. My poor baby.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!


End file.
